‘It’s about what you do when your partner really needs you’

Lyra McKee is a writer from Belfast. She says:

Four months after I met the love of my life, I accompanied her to a room in Altnagelvin Hospital. It was a Thursday morning. After dropping her off to visit her dad, I had planned to drive on to Belfast for work.

Some people get a child as part of the package when they begin a relationship — I got an 82-year-old man. Big D was the dictionary definition of a grumpy oul git, but I adored him.

He would sit, every day, in his chair and the only thing that could rouse him out of the grumpiness was talking about old times — his memories of Derry from the Forties through to the Troubles. That morning, I decided to drop in on him to say hello before heading to work. We walked into the room. At the foot of his bed, a doctor stood, deep in conversation with my girlfriend’s sister. She fell silent as soon as she saw us.

We knew, immediately, something was wrong.

We’d been told Big D had weeks left to live.

Now, we were instructed, it was hours.

I went outside and made phone calls. A dear friend went and fetched clothes and drove the 60 miles to deliver them.

Within two to three days, I thought, I’d be needing a suit for a funeral.

It didn’t happen like that. Big D held on. We took shifts — myself, his son, two daughters, a son-inlaw — and sat with him through the day and night.

Other family members streamed in and out of the room constantly. The nursing and cleaning staff, angels that they were, provided us with towels and soap when we couldn’t get home to get a shower. On Sunday morning, Big D took his last breath.

Today, Big D’s daughter and I celebrate our first Valentine’s Day together. It’s been almost a year since we met and, in that time, I feel as if I’ve had a crash course in what it means to love and be loved. In the months after Big D’s death, I had to confront the fact that I, too, was sick.

Given that she was dealing with her dad’s death, I wouldn’t have blamed her if she’d decided she couldn’t deal with that. Instead, she held my hand and told me she wasn’t going anywhere.

I realised that love isn’t just what you feel, it’s what you do when everything is falling apart and the person you love needs you.

I have been so blessed, in my life, to have both felt that kind of love and had it returned tenfold to me.

Happy Valentine’s, S, and thanks for letting me be the one you spend it with.”