How after losing the loves of our lives we finally felt able to date again
A year after the death of 40-year-old BBC journalist Rachael Bland from breast cancer, her husband Steve has spoken about the challenges of trying to find love again. StephanieBell asks two people about losing their soulmates and how soon they felt able to date again
Maureen Coyle (61), a nursing auxiliary from Donacloney, lost her husband John, a plasterer, to lung cancer in 2004. The couple met when Maureen was just 19 and had been married 27 years when John passed away at the age of 50.
John and Maureen spent all their time together, so when she lost him Maureen was left feeling totally bereft.
They have one daughter, Joanne, who lives in Australia and a new grandson, Jack, who is 11 months old. Maureen also had a son Michael, who was just two when she met John, but tragically she also lost him when he was 22 years old.
The couple had just bought their dream home in the countryside and were in the middle of renovating it when John took ill.
Alone now for 15 years, Maureen has dated but has struggled to find anyone who matches up to the qualities she so loved in John.
She recalls how they met: “My son Michael was only a baby when I met John and he took to Michael straight away.
“We met in April on a night out in the local pub in Derriaghy and the following February decided to get married — we didn’t see any reason to wait so we married that June.
“I lost Michael in 1998 and our daughter Joanne went to Australia to live and so John and I were on our own.
“We had always wanted to have a cottage in the country and we decided to go for it and we bought one in Moira.
“It needed a lot of work but we were both very hands on and we just thought we had the rest of our lives to potter about in it, doing bits and pieces.”
The couple were so exhausted after two years of renovating their new home that Maureen booked them a holiday in Spain.
While there, John had two incidents in a restaurant when he choked on his food.
The couple thought nothing of it but when they returned home he started to have what Maureen describes as an “irritating cough”.
Eventually he had an X-ray and in November 2003 was diagnosed with an inoperable tumour in his lung.
He started chemotherapy but his condition was deteriorating so fast it soon became apparent he wasn’t well enough to travel to hospital for the treatment and he was admitted in February 2004.
Maureen says: “John was only in hospital a week and he dropped dead. He went to the bathroom and collapsed at the sink, where he was found. I was just in absolute shock.
“My daughter came home and was in an awful state, she had to go through that plane journey on her own from Australia.”
Maureen’s daughter stayed with her for a couple of months and then had to return to Australia. Maureen, who had not worked from the day of John’s diagnosis, returned to her job in a local
‘John was my soulmate and his loss was horrendous ... I was nervous over getting to know someone else’
nursing home. But while she had to get back to a routine, life was far from normal for her.
She says: “John and I didn’t go out much. We liked cooking meals at home and would have put music on and had a wee dance in the house. We were quite happy in our own wee world.
“I found even sitting at the table was horrendous because he wasn’t there.
“It was really tough. When I went back to work coming back home to an empty house was so hard. It was our dream to do the house up and sell it in 10 years and retire. That was all gone.
“John had been so proud of what we had achieved in the house. He was my soulmate and the love of my life. He was a very gentle person and very loving and caring. He was also very open and fair and there were no back doors in him.
“I remember feeling some nights like my head was going to explode with all the emotion.”
Around a year after John died a friend of the couple’s persuaded Maureen to come along to a charity night to raise funds for cancer.
She was introduced to a man who, after the event, looked up her phone number and called to ask her out.
The couple had a friendship for some time but Maureen’s heart wasn’t in it.
She says: “The thought of going out to meet someone then was incomprehensible to me. John and I had been together so long we had grown together.
“This man called me and we had coffee and then a Chinese together but I didn’t want to go out because I didn’t want to be seen with anyone. I felt it was too soon and I did worry about what people would think.
“I was very nervous getting to know someone else but at the same time it was a wee bit exciting and a wee bit of lightness coming back into my life again.
“Looking back though I think I was vulnerable and although I continued to see this man it didn’t lead to anything.”
Just as she thought happiness with another partner was going to elude her, she has recently started a new relationship which for the first time since losing John has made her happy.
She adds: “It’s early days but it’s going well and he seems to be a good man. I was never trying to find another John but I suppose I was looking for someone with the same principles and values. Hopefully this time I’ve found it.”