The on-off nature of it played havoc with my confidence... I didn’t think he wanted to be with me

no relationship is more turbulent than one that is constantly stopping and starting, which is why these partnerships are often fetishised. Chartered psychologist Daria Kuss explains that we romanticise on-off relationships because so many of us subscribe to the popular belief that we should find “the one”, another concept that is frequently propagated in music, film and TV. “We think of this person as someone you’re meant to be with against all odds,” she says.

Of course, some people feed off the drama that surrounds onoff relationships. In fact, sometimes, it’s the reason why they seek them out. “There’s a constant thrill and excitement to on-off relationships because of the anticipation,” explains Dee Holmes, a counsellor at the relationships charity Relate.

“An on off-relationship is certainly never dull.” There’s also a common fear of reaching a plateau in a relationship — think less sex, more discussions about the dishwasher — so some people might choose to start rifts that could then lead to an “off ” period in the hope of eventually reigniting some of the sparks you felt for one another in the beginning, a period often referred to as the “honeymoon phase”.

But there are deeper psychological reasons as to why someone might be seduced into a volatile relationship, says psychologist and dating coach Jo Hemmings. “They are fuelled by a mutual sexual attraction and an emotional imbalance,” she says.

“The very nature of on-off relationships very often means that one partner feels a deeper emotional attachment than the other. The one who feels the deepest often believes their partner will eventually come around to their way of thinking and express a desire to be permanently ‘on’. Others, who are especially insecure or have low self-esteem, might feel, sadly, that this is what they deserve.”

This is very much the case for Marianne, whose deep-rooted feelings of inadequacy might explain why, when Connell suggests they don’t tell anyone about their courtship, she doesn’t question it.

When you’re in an on-off relationship, it’s hard not to recognise it as problematic.

Becky* (28) was in one for four years. “I would have preferred it to be always ‘on’,” she says. “It never really felt equal to me, and the on-off nature of it played havoc with my confidence, making me think he didn’t really want to be with me even when he was.” But Becky never told her partner how she was feeling. “I just put up with how he treated me because I loved it so much when we were together. I told myself that we had this really strong connection and I was willing to adopt the ‘cool girl’ role who didn’t want a serious relationship in order to maintain that,” she says.

There are long-term psychological ramifications to being in an on-off relationship. Luke* (35) explains how he could not move forward with other people because of an on-off relationship over 18 months.

“I found myself feeling so lonely after every breakup but whenever I tried to move on, I couldn’t quite do it. She told me it was the same for her. So we would always end up getting back together and filling that gap in one another’s lives. It would never last long, but it felt like falling back into an old habit that neither of us could shake.”

Even in an “off ” period, it can be incredibly difficult to think of anyone else other than your onoff partner.

“You will have less headspace to fully engage in getting to know a new person,” explains psychologist and dating coach Madeleine Mason Roantree. And if you do find someone else, you might then start to compare them to your on-off partner, or worse, talk about them to the new person, which will inevitably only drive them away.

As for those who are currently in on-off relationships, it might be worth reassessing whether or not the rollercoaster of emotions is worth it. Ask yourself: is the juice worth the squeeze? Spend some time really considering the pros and cons, Holmes advises. “You may want to consider seeing a relationship counsellor (either together or as an individual), who can help you to work on your communication, look at the reasons behind why the relationship is so on and off and help you decide if this is definitely the right relationship for you,” she says.

Ultimately, Rooney puts an end to the on-off relationship between her lead characters. Connell is offered a place to study creative writing in New York; Marianne chooses to stay home in Ireland. Perhaps this is a suggestion that even the master puppeteer of on-off relationships knows when it’s time to call it quits. But, of course, that depends on how you choose to interpret the ending.

❝

* Names have been changed

I feel like I’m choosing between children. I’d say just a very decent big pot. I tend to use the same pan, even though I have loads. Also, I love a grater, the fine graters — microplanes. I love that because it means you can really finely grate garlic and ginger, and if you’re in a rush and you can’t be bothered to chop nicely, it’s great. But an old-fashioned box grater is — no pun intended — a great way to get in extra vegetables. So, at the minute, I’m grating carrots and parsnips into everything stew-based. Sometimes you’re in the mood to chop and some