‘I clearly went to the Frank Spencer school of painting... then came catastrophe!’
PROJECTS: CUT LAWN & VARNISH DECKING
When Covid began I took my daily exercise around the shoreline at Warrenpoint. Each day I passed an old lady who was always tinkering in the garden. We exchanged socially distanced nods.
Then one day she said “This lockdown is hard for you men. You don’t know what to be doing with yourselves and we women don’t know what to do with you either!” I laughed.
Lockdown started out as soemthing of a novelty. As the house cook I was initially delighted to have the opportunity to display my gastronomy skills more regularly.
Three course meals flowed. Menus too. Four weeks on and I got presented with a grumpy old git apron!
My territorial approach to the kitchen meant that my wife found it a no-go zone.
New projects had to be found. We have a large decking area and we usually get a painter to sand and varnish it. But how hard can it be, thought I?
And so off I go and apply yacht varnish to my decking. At first it was easy, then came the spindles — all 120 of them!! Let’s just say — I clearly went to the Frank Spencer school of painting as I became as bronzed as the deck. Then catastrophe!
Hundreds of starlings decided to enjoy the sun on my roof, flying back and forth across the varnished decking.
I can categorically state that a bird c **** ing on you is not lucky. Even less lucky is hundreds of bird droppings all over the wet rails.
Like the Forth bridge I re-started.
My next target was the garden. In nearly 30 years I have never owned a lawnmower. We have always had a guy who came to cut grass and trim trees. With Covid he disappeared and the garden was starting to look like an urban jungle.
I suggested buying a lawnmower. The Mrs laughed.
I decided on a two-for-one offer which included a strimmer. (This is one of the reasons I am rarely allowed in the middle isles of Lidl unaccompanied).
The odd thing about lockdown was the excitement around deliveries. When the lawnmower and strimmer arrived I had not counted on having to assemble them!
The closest I ever got to skills requiring technical capability was as a Boy Scout discovering the Alpine Butterfly knot.
The instructions might as well have been in Chinese — which
❝ The instructions might as well have been inchinese,whichlike most men, I ignored them
is why like most men I ignored them.
Eventually I assembled the lawnmower but now I am seeing a chiropractor as the handles are about 12 inches off the ground. Yet it somehow it works.
The strimmer was much more complicated. A mad Frankenstein invention with a mind of its own. Twice the strimmer flew off attacking a neighbour’s cat.
Now alongside the unused extendable wheel brace, my evil strimmer remains quarantined in the shed like one of those murderous Chucky dolls!
Four months of lockdown and the happy chef has returned — albeit with the ‘grumpy git’ apron!