OUR LIFELINE IN LOCKDOWN
As its funds have dipped to a ‘critically low’ level during lockdown, Cancer Focus NI has issued an urgent appeal for help. Here, Marie Foy finds out about some of the important work it’s been doing despite coronavirus restrictions
Bangor dad Richard Irwin (50) lost his wife Joanne (48), a teacher at Grange Primary School, to cancer last November. The couple have three children, Scott (20), Ben (17) and Rachel (12). Richard says: oanne was diagnosed with cancer of the bile duct in the liver just over a year ago. She had been complaining of a dry mouth for a couple of weeks but didn’t think a huge amount about it. She went to the doctor and had some blood tests. She got a call the next morning to go to A&E which rang alarm bells. She was taken into hospital over the weekend and had more tests and was told she had one of the more rare types of cancer. It came absolutely out of the blue.
It was pretty rough news to take in, how someone so fun and healthy and loved could suddenly have a disease that was incurable. We hoped that with new developments and treatment she would still have years but more tests revealed that the cancer had spread to her bones and lungs. She was already at stage 5.
From July onwards she was in and out of hospital as she had to be on a drip to regulate her calcium levels. She lost a couple of stone in weight and eventually wasn’t strong enough to have more chemotherapy. That was a real kick for us all but she was a fighter and wasn’t going easily.
The cancer spread to her neck and it became painful for her to sit up and she gradually deteriorated. We knew things were very serious when she came home in early November but she was able to spend time peacefully with her family and friends before she passed away on the 20th.
Of course, it has been very difficult for the family, you just want to protect your children and wrap them in cotton wool.
It is difficult to know what they are going through at times.
Before Joanne died, Rachel Smith from Cancer Focus NI came to our home and spoke to me. My main concern was how and what could I tell my daughter Rachel. The boys, being older, understood a bit more but it’s difficult to know what they are going through at times and to know if they have the vocabulary and maturity to express themselves.
Rachel (Smith) and I had an excellent conversation. I’d spoken to a few different professionals but I felt an immediate connection with Rachel. She knew exactly what I was talking about. You can sit down and tell her exactly what you’re thinking and ask the hard questions. She was very, very clear with her advice. Thanks to her, I spoke to all three kids individually that night, and I’m so glad I did. They have coped extremely well with everything.
Up until then I think I was operating on automatic pilot, just dealing with stuff without thinking. I had a number of conversations with Rachel (Smith) and she invited us to a family night at Cancer Focus NI in the new year, which we got a lot from. It was good for my three to be able to speak to other kids in the same situation. You know they get it.
Unfortunately, meetings were hit on the head with lockdown. Rachel has held Zoom meetings with teenagers but my kids hadn’t had time to form new friendships so were a bit wary of that. However Rachel (Smith) and I kept in touch with other parents weekly via Zoom and my daughter Rachel crashes in on them occasionally.
We get to chat about various things. Sometimes it gets quite emotional and sometimes we
just have a bit of a laugh. We’ve formed some good friendships, which I’ve found really supportive.
Rachel then suggested we do some writing — she would send emails each day with a poem or quotes and we took 20 minutes to write down our thoughts. I’m not really a writer and thought I would struggle but didn’t at all. It was very good. It’s easier to write stuff down and then bring it up in a group conversation.
You can be totally and brutally honest. Sometimes your emotions aren’t that nice and you think you shouldn’t be feeling in a certain way. We have a private Facebook page where we can share these thoughts, if we want to. It’s very helpful reading other people’s words and to realise you are not alone. It’s reassuring to know that what you are feeling is quite normal and to have people who get it to bounce your thoughts off.
I’m so glad I had that service to fall back on, especially during lockdown when you might not be as in touch with other people as you normally would. One week I could be a car crash and not in a good place. The next I’d be feeling much better. Cancer Focus NI was there for me during the bad weeks and in the better ones. And I like to think I might have been able to help some of my new friends as much as they’ve helped me.”
‘I just wanted to wrap the children in cotton wool’