‘I’ve missed hugs from mum and dad in lockdown’
As the face of BBC NI’S new loneliness appeal, Evening Extra host Tara Mills talks to Claire O’boyle about missing her parents during lockdown and how she and her family coped
IT’S been a tough year for everyone and as we head towards Christmas and the end of 2020, the loneliness so many have endured over the last few months is likely to get all the more acute.
Which is why Tara Mills, along with colleagues at BBC Northern Ireland, are backing a campaign to raise awareness of the devastating impact isolation can have — and to offer some advice on how to help those in greatest need.
“I think this year has given all of us a taste of what it’s like to feel alone,” says Tara.
“I know for some people, it’s absolutely fine and they love their own company. But it can be difficult too, which is why making and maintaining connections is so important, now more than ever.”
Opening up about her own experiences throughout the pandemic, Evening Extra host Tara says she has desperately missed hugs with her parents, mum Pat and dad Richard.
“I’ve really missed my mum and dad,” says the mum-oftwo. “I miss my sister and my nephew a lot, too, but we’ve been lucky in that we carried on Facetiming right through it all so we’ve kept that connection. It’s the hugging — or lack of it — that really gets to me though. I’m quite a tactile person and that’s the thing I miss, getting a big hug from my mum and dad.
“I think that was one of the biggest things for children and older people through all this, because that’s the thing with having kids in your family — they’re just so huggable and gorgeous and you just want to cuddle them all the time.
“To have that taken away is hard, and I know my parents have definitely felt it, not having that physical contact with my children. I know many other grandparents have struggled with it, too.”
But Tara, mum to Daniel (14) and 13-year-old Aimee, says the challenges of 2020 have taken their toll on young people as well as the elderly, and that when we’re thinking about buoying one another up through the difficult months ahead as we wait for the impact of any vaccination programme to kick in, we should keep them in mind as well.
“It’s not been easy for young people,” says Tara. “My kids did really well during lockdown, but when the news came out about the extended half term around Halloween, they weren’t as excited about that as you’d have imagined a year ago.
“I think the whole thing has been a bit of a lesson for lots of us in many ways, for children that school isn’t a thing to want to avoid, it’s a place to see your friends and your peers. It’s somewhere to learn and have fun.”
And with the kids at home more than ever this year, Tara, who is married to cameraman Danny, confesses two subjects got more attention than any others during lockdown.
“We’ve laughed about what our house was like during that time, because the main focus of our home schooling was Home Economics and PE — we basically did lots of baking and lots of exercise,” she laughs. “The approach was, okay, let’s bake something, a lemon drizzle cake, some cookies, whatever, and then let’s walk it off.
“It ended up that we also shared out what we could because we made far too much. We gave things out to our neighbours — with gloves on, of course — and people were joking by the end of it that the two kids would wind up on Bake Off as a result of the pandemic.
“But it’s not been easy for anyone, and I think when it comes to young people it’s important to keep talking to them about it all, and to have that conversation about the fact this will pass, things will get better. For them as well as the rest of us it’s important to take it just a day at a time.
“There’s so much they miss, of course, but the whole thing will ease off. It’s hard for kids, because time can seem so slow and they miss the normality of all that time with their friends.
“Every person and every family finds themselves in such different situations that it’s hard to think of what will work for everyone, but I think taking it day by day and building up as much of a network as possible, as many connections as we can, is probably a place to start.”
As well as forging closer friendships with neighbours, Tara has encountered heartwarming stories through her work at BBC NI as people have reached out and crossed generations to fight back against isolation.
“I know a lovely woman in her 20s who was shielding earlier in the year, and she ended up befriending her 94-year-old neighbour,” says Tara.
“Things like that are amazing because usually when we’re talking about things like this around this time of year, it’s a sudden push and we often think of the elderly. But everyone has needed each other this year in a way we haven’t before.
“The woman would previously have had her urban family, her friends for a night out for dinner and a catch up, but like it was for so many people, that whole thing was suddenly gone so she reached out and they’ve become great friends.
“With our neighbours as well, we’ve built up this lovely friendship because we were able to look out for each other when times were very quiet. It was nice, and that connection continues.”
And bringing a new dynamic into her own family, puppy Mabel arrived on the scene in September, joining long-term pet Marlow.
“I’ve always been a dog person, and during the hardest days of the pandemic I was so thankful to have Marlow there,” says Tara. “He kept us on an even keel and we were forced up and out of the house.
“It’s even something as basic as being physically tactile, but a dog is brilliant company. They’ve got that unconditional love and they’re always pleased to see you, no matter what.
“When we got Mabel, it was company for Marlow more than anything else, because having had all of us there more and the kids off school, we worried he’d have felt it a lot with us gone.
“So, now they’re together, and it’s wonderful. They sleep in the same bed and everything, and we just get so much from them.”
And with the news the world’s been waiting for emerging this week as the UK became the first country to sign off on a coronavirus vaccine, Tara is hopeful about the future — but says she’s conscious of the lives that have been changed forever because of the pandemic.
“If you’ve lost someone in the course of this year, that’s not something you’re going to recover from easily,” she says. “I’m so aware of all those people, whether they’ve lost someone from Covid or from something else, because for them, talk of vaccines and brighter days isn’t going to change the grief they feel or the horrendous experiences they’ve had through these past few months.
“I worry a lot about the people who didn’t have the funeral they’d have wanted and that opportunity to celebrate the life of the person they’ve lost. At the beginning that was the part that tortured me most, and now we know there have been hundreds and maybe thousands of people in that predicament over the last few months.
“So on the other side of all this, yes, there will be people who will go back to where they were. But for many, this experience has been life-changing.”
In the meantime, though, as she fronts BBC NI’S Staying Connected at Christmas campaign, Tara is keen to stress the importance of nurturing any connections we can with the people around us.
“In these times especially, we don’t need to make massive gestures,” she says.
“It can be really simple but it’s very effective and I think just letting people know, I’m here, I’m thinking about you, we’re still together in all this, is a big deal. I’ve done that kind of thing with texts and you can keep using Facetime and it definitely makes everyone feel a bit closer. All this won’t last forever.”
‘It’s hard to think of what will work for everyone, but building up as many connections as we can is a place to start’