Stuffed? I couldn’t read one more word about these turkeys

BORIS and Co issue guidelines on how to cook your Covid Christmas turkey... Boris: I want to begin by saying that it’s only through our collective endeavours that we will successfully tackle this turkey. Our turkey is oven-ready. So, let us not prevaricate — as Pericles himself said, the sunlit uplands of Christmas repast await. First, we must heat the oven to a scientifically calibrated temperature. Chris, over to you.

Chris Whitty: Let me make it clear that this will not happen overnight. The turkey is going to be with us for some time until the temperature is right. Slide one, please. As you can see from this graph, the temperature is already rising quite quickly and, if it continues at this rate, the R (roasting) number is likely to spike. Slide two, please. We are hoping that it will plateau soon, but until then it would be foolhardy to open the oven door. For now, the turkey must remain in lockdown.

Donald Trump: This will be a great turkey. A great, great turkey. They tell us we have to wait until the oven heats up. Fake news! Operation Warp Speed, which I personally organised, will make a tremendous, tremendous difference. It will be incredible, really. As I am, too.

Nichola Sturgeon: Says a man who doesn’t know when his goose is cooked. I want to make it clear that, while I welcome the announcement that there is now light at the end of the oven door, I am appealing to people to continue to exercise caution. Boris believes the door should be thrown open immediately, but we will be keeping it firmly shut until we are certain his turkey is well and truly stuffed.

Boris: It is crucial we remain united in our approach to the culinary preparation of this fine, feathered fowl.

As Pericles himself said, which comes first, the turkey or the egg on face? Which brings us to you, Arlene. You have some experience of turkeys voting for Christmas. What say you?

Arlene Foster: It is to be regretted that we have been unable to access a turkey in Northern Ireland since it is being held up at the new Irish Sea border. However, we will now permit the gravy to bubble with the sprouts.

Boris: All systems go, then. Our turkey has been placed in Tier 1 in the oven. As Pericles himself said, a bird in the oven is worth two in quarantine.

Chris Whitty: I strongly disagree that the oven should be opened at this time. The temperature is once again spiking.

Boris: Indeed. We must follow the science. As Pericles himself said, a short delay is but a poultry matter. Let us remove our rooster forthwith.

Keir Starmer: Once again, the Prime Minister does a U-turn.

Ursula Van Der Leyden: However, we must all respect the withdrawal agreement.

Rishi Sunak: I disagree. Unless we get that oven opened again soon, the economy faces going cold turkey.

Boris: I hear what you say. The gobbler is therefore being reinstated in the oven with immediate effect. I know people will be dismayed that there has been so little advance notice of this change, but I am asking everyone to show renewed discipline.

We shall get this done. Sammy Wilson: About time. I’m so hungry I could devour a Swann. Get the spuds and stuffing in there, too, boy.

Nichola Sturgeon: The oven will be overwhelmed if we continue on this reckless path. Turn it off.

Sir Van Morrison: Turn it up, la la.

All: Follow the science! Follow the guidelines!

Fed-up member of the public: You lot couldn’t even follow a recipe.

‘I’m so hungry I could devour a Swann’