Coming between your teen and their phone
As a parent you should be alert to signs of addiction,
TEENAGERS’ reliance on their phones is an almost constant issue in many families. The lockdowns have played havoc with many parents’ attempts to limit their teens’ phone use. Teenagers across the country cry foul when access to the internet gets limited, or phones are removed, claiming that it is their sole means of staying connected to their friends.
Many teenagers will up the ante with regard to their phone use, claiming now that not only is it a social tool, but that they have to have access to their phone for school as well.
There is no psychological or psychiatric diagnosis of “phone addiction”, but you can apply many of the typical features of other addictions to phone use, that might help you recognise if your teenager’s phone use is actually problematic, or if it is still within relatively normal and healthy boundaries. The following factors are worth considering.
Does your son or daughter become angry, stressed or even violent if you take away their phone, or if it isn’t possible to use it (like if they have no credit and no access to Wi-fi?) The context can be important. For example, they may be annoyed if their phone gets taken as a punishment, but is that frustration about their perception the punishment was unjust, or not having access to their phone? It is a sense of panic or anger at not being able to have their phone itself that may reflect a problem.
Does your son or daughter spend so much time on their phone that their personal hygiene, or their schoolwork, or their relationships are negatively affected?
Do they stay awake excessively late, using their phone, such that their sleep is significantly disrupted? This needs to be considered in the context that choosing to stay up late and consequently sleeping late is entirely normal teenage behaviour.
Does their mood, or their behaviour, seem unusually different for reasons that can’t be explained other than their near-constant use of their phone? There are lots of reasons, including hormones, that might account for changes in mood, so do observe them over time and make sure to consider other explanations.
If you find that you are answering yes to most of these questions, then it may be that you and your son or daughter need to take some action. I think the first and most helpful step is to bring your child’s awareness to any of the negative changes that you have observed.
Try to be specific about the behaviours that you actually see, that may be causing them problems.
Chances are you may get denial from your teenager, but at least you have clearly identified the justification for your concern and for making changes. Getting some kind of monitoring app (many phones record usage anyway) may also provide some of the evidence that things need to change.
That conversation can be expanded to talk about the pros and cons of phones and screen time. This isn’t about lecturing your teenager but is about opening up the subject.
With schools closed, teens are more reliant than ever on their mobiles. Changes that you can make involve setting external limits on their phone use.
Ideally you want your teenager to develop an internal regulation of their usage. In the absence of that you might have to institute new rules such as no phones in bedrooms, or phone curfews at bedtimes.
You may have to ban phones at the dinner table or during school hours (much like they have to do at school anyway).
You will get way more traction with phone-use rules when your teenagers see that you are willing to accept the same limitations.
You could choose to lead by example when it comes to healthy phone habits!
Forcing change may provoke conflict. As a parent you have to decide if your teenager’s phone use is the battle that you wish to fight.
For some it will be critical, for others there may be more pressing issues to address.
‘Is their mood, or their behaviour, unusually different for reasons that can’t be explained other than near-constant use of their phone?’