How not to let having kids ruin your sex life... according to a psychosexologist

New parents have a lot on their plate, but that doesn’t mean their sex lives have to suffer — it might be a case of quality over quantity, Dr Karen Gurney tells Kirsty Blake Knox

IT’S frequently said that having a baby is like a bomb going off in your relationship. “And that our sex lives are often part of the destruction left behind,” Dr Karen Gurney, who has written a book on how parenthood impacts intimacy, says.

Studies have shown that sexual satisfaction is at its lowest for couples who have young families. It’s not totally surprising that passion and desire can take a back seat given the lack of sleep, monumental changes to our daily lives, and emotional upheaval.

“But it doesn’t have to be this way?,” Dr Gurney says.

Dr Gurney is a consultant clinical psychologist and certified psychosexologist and has written the humorously titled How Not To Let Having Kids Ruin Your Sex Life.

The book is a guide that suggests ways you can maintain that sexual spark while navigating parenthood. Acknowledging the obstacles you face, such as a massive reduction in a couple’s one-on-one time and the challenges that different stages of parenthood will present you with, can reduce feelings of disappointment or frustration.

However, she says it can also be unhelpful to assume your sex life’s deterioration is a ‘fait accompli’.

“One of the things I’m trying to get across with the book is that you don’t have to be having more sex to have a better sex life. Your sex life could be even better than it was before becoming a parent, but it will absolutely be different and it will require a different set of skills.”

To begin with, it’s worth remembering new parents have a lot on their plate, and should cut themselves some slack.

“It always seems really surprising to me that people are worrying about sex or trying to get their sex life back on track when they have just had a newborn baby or have a child under one,” she says. “It couldn’t be more challenging than right then. In that first year, my advice is don’t worry about sex. It’s not the priority in that year. But as best you can keep talking about it.”

In particular, she advises regularly expressing your yearning for one another out loud, even if night feeds and incompatible schedules are making it impossible to act upon those feelings.

“One of the things that we know sex does in relationships is to act as a kind of a glue that holds us together and helps us feel good [as it makes us feel] wanted and desired.”

If sex is not on the table, saying something “As simple as ‘If I wasn’t so tired, I’d love to do this’” can maintain a sexual connection. Because it expresses the desire to do it without necessarily having to follow through,” she explains. “Sometimes that’s all it takes to reassure another person.”

Her book offers lots of practical advice; it highlights how an equity of mental and workload around the house has proven to improve sexual satisfaction between partners (so make sure household chores are Even Stevens). There are also tips on how to communicate effectively. For example, if your partner is struggling instead of attempting to ‘fix things’ or solve problems, she advises spending twice the amount of time you normally would listening to them.

Dr Gurney also says it is important to be realistic and try to accept the limitations of your sex life. For example, early morning sex is out the window when you have small children, as they tend to be alive and kicking from around 5am. Instead of lamenting this, find other times of the day/ week where you can con

nect. Enjoy the novelty of having to move outside of a routine.

Prior to having kids, for many couples desire is the primary motivator when it comes to having sex. Finding the time to act on those feelings is secondary. However, that drastically changes when you have children. Finding the time is the key priority, and getting in the mood is secondary.

“Before kids maybe sex operated on ‘We feel like it first’,” she says. “But after kids, it has to operate differently. And that’s actually really challenging for a lot of people because in long-term relationships, we can lose the skills in knowing how to get someone else in the headspace,” she says. “You have to be able to invite someone in, in a way that’s alluring. Not in a way that’s too pressurised. Pressure is a real desire killer. It’s a different mindset for parents. It’s [thinking] ‘Can we make an opportunity for some kind of sexual intimacy or physical intimacy first?”

Dr Gurney does not endorse scheduling sex or forcing intimacy after a dry spell in a long-term relationship. Referred to by some as a ‘maintenance sh*g’.

“I say you should never schedule sex,” she says. “How can you possibly agree to something in the future when you don’t know [if ] you are going to want it. But I think you should schedule physical intimacy.” This is very different to a ‘date night’ which she says may be fun and enjoyable but won’t necessarily kickstart desire.

She defines physical intimacy as “being naked together, touch, massage, and passionate kissing”.

Going in with no expectations will have a higher outcome of resulting in sex. “Avoid saying things like ‘Do you fancy a sh*g?’ It’s probably not going to work,” she says. “Or ‘We need to have sex! It’s been ages since we’ve had sex’ probably isn’t gonna work. Avoid anything that’s too direct.”

Instead, “Focus on spending time together with lots of physical intimacy with no pressure for it to go anywhere. It’s usually a brilliant trigger for desire.”

Dr Gurney has written about sexual desire in her previous book Mind The Gap and says there is a lot of misconception surrounding desire. Many of us expect it to emerge, like hunger or thirst. “So people just wait for that desire to hit them. But actually, that’s not how desire works, and it certainly doesn’t work like that in long-term relationships,” she explains. “Desire emerges from sexual stimuli. So that is things like the sight of a naked body, touch to our body, passionate kissing, those are the things that cause desire.”

There are other small but highly practical things you can do. Kissing passionately frequently — apparently this increases you and your partner’s sexual currency and will make initiating intimacy easier.

Try to prioritise lying in bed together naked and reconnecting over scrolling through social media feeds or collapsing on the sofa to watch Netflix series.

“As parents it is really tempting just to flop in front of the TV or scrolling on your phone. That immediate fix of a feeling of relaxation and switching off from parent life? I don’t wish to diss. I love it myself. It’s a great use of time. But to get in the headspace for sex, sometimes we might need to do something a little bit different,” she says. “Maybe just some of the time, think ‘We’re not going to do that [watch Netflix] every single night because we know that actually when we have sex, we feel better about ourselves in our relationship’.”

And if you do want to binge watch a series, have sex before settling in. If you do it the other way round chances are you will be too wiped out by the time you even head upstairs. And remember that it is quality over quantity when it comes to physical intimacy with your spouse.

“A lot of couples tell me that, although it’s more challenging for them to find time,” Dr Gurney says. “When they do find time for sex, they almost look forward to it more because it’s been longer, and the time feels more precious.”

How Not To Let Having Kids Ruin Your Sex Life is published by Headline Home (Trade Paperback, €22.95)