‘It can take dads a little longer to get into the mindset of fatherhood’

Blogger Giles Alexander, who’s just penned a new book, shares his insights on the unique challenges men face when they’re adjusting to such a life-changing role, writes Tanya Sweeney

WHEN Giles Alexander found out that his wife Rosie was pregnant eight years ago, he revelled in getting involved from the outset.

“I would become very obsessed with finding out what was going to happen next,” he recalls. “I was downloading all the pregnancy apps and realising things like the baby was the size of a full-stop. I was just so impatient. There was a lot of excitement, but I also realised that there was very little information out there for new dads. Everything was so targeted at mums.”

Mindful of this, Alexander, who still works a nine-to-five job in financial communications, decided to start a parenting blog to document his journey into fatherhood.

Teddy (7) was joined by Hugo (5) and Bonnie (22 months), and Alexander has written about all things baby — and toddler-related, coming to prominence about a year before what he calls the

UK’S ‘dad blog’ movement.

Thousands of new dads, and quite a few new mums, have since approached Alexander asking for advice on all stripes.

“I wrote it anonymously at first because we hadn’t told friends or family that we were pregnant, and it gave me a lot of freedom to give an expectant dad’s perspective anonymously,” he says. “Then when we had our 20-week scan, it all kind of took off from there.”

And take off it most certainly did: his blog, You The Daddy, is going from strength to strength, the growing scope of which has prompted him to write a book, You The Daddy: The Hands-on Dad’s Guide To Fatherhood.

Aimed primarily at “new dads coming down the line”, it is loaded with advice on how to be a supportive birthing partner, but also how to get the most out of the parenting experience.

The book debunks myths about pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding. It also carries advice on everything from holding a newborn and getting some sleep to setting boundaries as the parent to a toddler.

Also in the mix is guidance on work-life balance, burnout and how to get through tough times in relationships. Alexander also advises his readers to have conversations in advance with their partners about what kind of parents they might like to be, before the hamster wheel of full-on parenting kicks in.

“I think dad issues are coming more to the fore, but it’s still quite a minefield for new dads when it comes to researching and coming up to speed, which is partly why I wrote the book,” Alexander says in a Zoom call from his London home. “There’s so much to get your head around, especially in those early years. We all come into this completely in the dark. One thing I really wanted to do was to give new dads confidence in their abilities that they

can do this. But I also really want it to be a gift for new mums, to ensure that they get the support they need during pregnancy and post-partum and that new dads don’t make the same mistakes that all of us made in those early years.”

Alexander is more than aware of the long-standing clichés of the hapless, helpless dad who is afraid of being hands-on, takes an age in the bathroom, or shies away from DIY.

He is also aware of current conversations around fathers and the “mental load” — the unseen but significant work needed, both emotional and cognitive, of running a household.

“A lot of people are talking about the mental load right now and dads are becoming more aware of this,” says Alexander. “It’s taken me a long time to really understand and appreciate the amount of work that goes into parenting.

“I wrote a post years ago about who has the harder job, the working parent or the one that stays home with the children.

“The ultimate conclusion was that staying home with a baby is far more exhausting, regardless of what kind of job you have.

“I know from talking to dads, they feel they do a huge amount, which isn’t always appreciated. They have the world on their shoulders and the pressures of providing, while also being a hands-on dad. My advice is always yes, we do have the world on our shoulders, but we need to think of the perspective of our other halves as well. I think we need to be very sensitive and think from the other person’s perspective, with all of these things.”

Does he believe any of these stereotypes of the hapless dad are couched in reality?

“I think we will have to decide for ourselves how we divide up roles and responsibilities at home, and figure out the way forward that works for us,” he explains.

“Honestly, I do think that dads today are more hands-on than they’ve ever been at any stage throughout history. We are more actively involved in every stage of pregnancy and parenthood than previous generations.”

Still, he concedes that dads “do get quite a bit more of an easy ride than mums”.

“Yes, we get congratulated, especially by the older generation, for just turning up, whereas with mums, there’s a lot more pressure and expectation on them,” he admits.

Alexander reckons that the tropes around fatherhood and masculinity — ideas, often handed down from older generations, that boys shouldn’t cry or show their feelings, and should be raised in a certain way — are thankfully becoming more and more antiquated.

“There has been a huge movement against all of that. I think a lot of men are opening up more and more and are willing to talk about things like their mental health,” he notes.

“With Gen-z in particular, there’s a desire to be equal partners in life, especially when it comes to parenthood.”

And yet, Alexander says, the perception still very much remains that to be a good father, one must be a good “provider”.

“Often that’s because, in many instances, the man is earning more, so often the mother will be taking time off to care for the baby when they are born, which puts financial pressure on every family,” Alexander observes.

“That can be a huge load on dad’s shoulders.

“There are definitely more dads becoming stay-at-home dads as well, but it’s not everywhere.”

Many of Alexander’s readers contact him to ask about how to bond with their newborn.

“The connection we have with our babies isn’t always immediate,” Alexander concedes.

“I think people, especially new dads, can worry that there’s not that bond, especially if you’re going off to work and your partner is at home caring for the baby full-time during maternity leave.

“It can take dads a little longer to get into the mindset of fatherhood and caring for a baby, but that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t keep trying.”

One aspect of fatherhood Alexander found scant information on while writing the book was the prevalence of depression in new dads.

“The rate of depression for fathers is twice that of the general population, and more new dads are probably experiencing depression during their first year of parenthood than more experienced fathers,” says Alexander.

“Transitioning from a man to a dad is a big mental shift. One thing that contributes to it is that bonding idea.

“You’re also battling on the sleep front and you’re maybe missing some of your pre-kids freedoms and your social life. It is a phase and it does pass.

“It’s a difficult period that every person has to go through, and it’s about going through it as a team.”

As to the dads that can often admit to feeling sidelined with the arrival of a new baby? The more hands-on you are with your baby, the quicker you become a team of three, rather than them versus you,” he advises.

“And for things like breastfeeding, you can become an amazing wingman to your partner during those times.

“I always recommend to new dads to get a basket and fill it with their partners’ favourite foods, things like drinks and oat cakes, so that she has a constant supply of energy when she is breastfeeding.

“As you can imagine, new mums love that one.”