GOR­MAN GETS HIS GLOVES OFF

I have this in com­mon with Giggs and it’s not my silky soc­cer skills

Bray People - - SPORT - Daniel’s take on all things soc­cer

ROBIN VAN PER­SIE, Ryan Giggs, Jose Mour­inho and me. What do we have in com­mon? Un­for­tu­nately, it is not that we are foot­ball ge­niuses nor is it that we are adored by mil­lions. While it may be true for those three, I can’t quite claim to pos­sess their foot­balling qual­i­ties nor am I adored by mil­lions (thou­sands would be more ac­cu­rate).

What we do share though, is a se­cret. A se­cret that we keep to our­selves for as long as we can be­fore even­tu­ally hav­ing to spill the beans. And that deep, dark se­cret? Our beau­ti­ful bonces have all been in­vaded by fol­li­cles of the grey va­ri­ety. That’s right, my name is Daniel Oliver Gor­man and I’m go­ing grey.

Robin Van Per­sie is 30, Ryan Giggs 40 and Jose Mour­inho is the wrong side of 50 by a year. I am only 24. I was a few months away from be­ing a 90’s child.

Their plights are un­der­stand­able. But me? What did I do to de­serve this af­flic­tion?

I re­mem­ber when I spotted my first grey in­truder. I was star­ing long­ingly into the mir­ror, get­ting lost in the re­flec­tion star­ing back at me. And then some­thing caught my eye. There was a shine in my hair, al­most a sparkle. But not the shine the ladies on the ads get. No amount of L’Oreal could cre­ate this glim­mer, no mat­ter how worth it I am. My face im­me­di­ately ran cold and I lunged to­wards the mir­ror for closer in­spec­tion. There was no deny­ing it. Plopped there like a mor­bidly obese per­son squeez­ing into an air­plane seat, was a grey hair. A quick ruf­fle of the bar­net soon hid the mon­stros­ity from sight.

But even though it was hid­den from view like an un­wanted child in the at­tic, I still knew it was there. Sit­ting there, with its stupid grey­ness on my lovely head, it was weigh­ing me down, man.

Ac­cord­ing to Goole, a sin­gle strand of hair four and a half inches in length weighs, on aver­age, 0.62 mil­ligrams. Well, to me, this disobedient, Ju­das stray of hair weighed a tonne.

I started look­ing up pic­tures of bald men to make my­self feel bet­ter. I re-watched the Christ­mas spe­cial of Fa­ther Ted dozens of time just to see Fr. Unc­tu­ous. Bald­ing and grey? This was like porn to me. But these were short-term fixes to a long-term prob­lem.

If you be­lieve the ru­mours, find­ing a nee­dle in a haystack is quite the trou­ble­some task. Well the same can’t be said for find­ing Greyzo (my nick­name for him, keep your friends close and your en­e­mies closer and all that). He was one soli­tary hair in a head of over 100,000 of the bas­tards. Why did he in­sist on be­ing such an at­ten­tion seeker?

It started to take over my life. I stopped lis­ten­ing to David Gray, never watched an­other episode of Grey’s Anatomy and as for Fifthy Shades of Grey? It was like the world was mock­ing me. There was no es­cap­ing it.

It didn’t stop there. Any­time Andy Gray was com­men­tat­ing on the foot­ball, I’d have to dive for the re­mote and hit the mute but­ton. It was just too painful. I haven’t stepped foot in Grey­stones ei­ther.

I know this isn’t a pop­u­lar sub­ject. Maybe you could say it’s even a bit of a grey area. But I felt that I had to talk about this. We can’t let them win. We won’t let them win! So now, to the ele­phant in the room. Hair dye. It’s the 21st century, lads. Is it re­ally so wrong? I have been suf­fer­ing in si­lence for close to a year now. That sil­ver snake of a hair is no longer alone. He’s brought a few friends along to the party.

My fi­ancée en­sures me that it is ir­rel­e­vant to her, she loves me no mat­ter what. She even tells me I would be quite distin­guished with a head of grey hair. But she un­der­stands what I’m go­ing through. She sym­pa­thises with me.

She tells me that if it bogs me down that much, I should pop out and get some Just For Men and cull the feck­ers. But do I want to? I don’t know.

All this stress can’t be help­ing the cause. If any­one out there has any an­swers for me, please get in touch.

And re­mem­ber, if you are a fel­low suf­ferer, you are not alone.

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