Jus­tine

Bray People - - NEWS -

I' VE AL­WAYS had a bit of a thing for Chris Martin. Ac­tu­ally I've al­ways had a thing for men with mi­cro­phones full stop. Ex­cept maybe Daniel O'Don­nell or yer man from Crys­tal Swing. You have to draw the line some­where.

Any­way back to Chris Martin. Yes, I've al­ways liked the brood­ing rock star vibe. Good look­ing in an un­der­stated sort of way, cool yet not try-hard. And his mu­sic. Well I could sit and navel gaze all day lis­ten­ing to a Cold­play al­bum.

So I was a bit dis­ap­pointed when he ended up mar­ry­ing LA princess Gwyneth Pal­trow. It felt like he was sell­ing out. Af­ter all he was just a nor­mal bloke, the kind you might see hav­ing a pint and a packet of peanuts in the pub. She's Hol­ly­wood royalty with glossy blonde hair and long toned legs. Gr­rrrrr! She's the kind of girl us aver­age women love to hate: Beau­ti­ful, tal­ented and rich.

It may have come as a sur­prise to many that they called time on their 10 year mar­riage this week, but not to me. I'm amazed they lasted as long as they did! While I'm not say­ing it was all her fault, but she did call their chil­dren Ap­ple and Moses! Come on, that in it­self is enough to war­rant di­vorce.

Gwyneth also reg­u­larly waxes lyri­cal about her healthy life­style, how she in­tro­duced a carb ban in the house and feeds her chil­dren and hub­bie kale chips and detox juices. She didn't get to look the way she looks by eat­ing Mac­cie D's did she?! Chris looks like the sort of a fella who'd en­joy a big feed of steak and chips, washed down by a bot­tle of what­ever's on spe­cial in Tesco.

There were cracks show­ing for quite some time ap­par­ently. And then this week, rather than just an­nounc­ing they're split­ting up, they is­sue a press re­lease on her web­site re­fer­ring to it as a ‘con­scious un­cou­pling’ re­ally? Who does that? Some­one who is so self ab­sorbed and nar­cis­sis­tic they think they're above be­ing de­scribed as “sep­a­rat­ing’. F I had ever in­tro­duced a carb ban in our house, I'd have been chucked out within a week. As for call­ing chil­dren names like Ap­ple and Moses, I wasn't even al­lowed call our son Alex for fear of it be­ing too girly! Him­self would prob­a­bly over­look the Kab­balah thing if she'd let him have spuds but the spuds would've been a deal breaker.

‘Aren't you lucky you didn't marry Gwyneth Pal­trow?” I told him the other day. He tore his eyes away from the soc­cer match on the telly for a sec­ond to look at me ques­tion­ingly. ‘I am?’ he asks un­surely.

‘Well first of all she wouldn't be let­ting you sit there on Mother's Day watch­ing soc­cer. And she'd make you eat kale and go to Kab­balah meet­ings. And you'd never get away with all your boys nights out.’

‘Prob­a­bly wouldn't want to go on boys nights out if I was mar­ried to Gwyneth Pal­trow’ he replied dis­tract­edly as a goal was scored.

There could be an ‘un­con­si­cous un­cou­pling’ hap­pen­ing very soon, if he's not care­ful.

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Jus­tine y n o h a M ’ O

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