I just love spending money – which is why I never have any

I’VE never had money. I don’t think I ever will. The phrase “money burns a hole in her pocket” was created especially for me. As soon as I have a few bob, I spend it. I never think about tomorrow, or next week or the bills that are coming down the line. If it’s in my purse, it’s not there for long.

We went on an All-Inclusive honeymoon when we got married, where there was literally nothing to buy. All your drinks and food were included as were treatments etc. You weren’t even allowed tip the staff, which I found very disconcerting as I’d hate anyone to think I was mean!

Every night going down to dinner I would put $20 in my purse, without fail. It drove Himself mad. “Why are you bringing money? You can’t buy anything.” My reply was always the same – “Just in case.”

Just in case what, I’m not quite sure but I brought the $20 with me every night until around a week in, I found a little kiosk. The bloody kiosk didn’t even sell tacky tourist knick knacks that I could buy for the rellies back home. All it really stocked was emergency supplies like plasters and mosquito spray. But I still had to buy something so I bought a box of tampons and a box of paracetamol!!

I used to love going on holidays abroad before the Euro came into being. Whilst Himself would stash his left over Pesetas or Lira in his wallet, I’d be frantically rushing around on the last day buying the greatest heap of sh**e just to get rid of my money. I would have an overwhelming sense of satisfaction once every penny was gone – like I’d had the best holiday ever.

About a year after we got married and the honeymoon period was well and truly over, he slapped the credit card statement down in front of me and said,

“See that figure in the top right hand corner? That is not a target, it’s a bloody limit!” That was probably our first big row.

Twenty years on I haven’t changed. I could say I can’t help it but that wouldn’t be true. The fact is I love spending money. And credit cards were invented for people like me. Eejits who spend, spend spend and worry about the consequences at a later date.

The credit union man tried to give me an ATM card last week. I shook my head vehemently. “No! That would not be a good idea.” The Diddly Club in the Credit Union is my saviour and the only reason I’m solvent every Christmas.

Himself would probably be very comfortably off if he hadn’t married me. He tells me often enough! I try and console myself with the belief that yes he might have more dosh, but God wouldn’t life be boring for him!