‘I passed your house on a daily basis and that was terrifying’

FIRSTLY, I would like to thank the court for giving me this moment to speak candidly of how the abuse I suffered by ****** has impacted my life. I would also like to thank the 11 members of the jury for their commitment and patience in listening to the traumatic things that happened in my childhood. I fully appreciate it is not an easy task and I only hope they derive some comfort from their contribution to justice and the knowledge that their decision was the right one. Words can’t express my gratitude to each and every one of them.

In 2013 when I got a phone call from Detective ****** I had to think long and hard as to whether I wanted to go back there. I had tucked away so many parts of that horror however, part of me always wished that something was done about it and when that call came I knew it was the right thing to do.

I’ll never forget what I put my husband through when I asked him to accompany me to the Garda station to give my statement, he listened attentively for 4 hours without saying a word, knowing he was absolutely horrified, he remained stoic and measured. He became my pillar of strength that supported me in my decision to right this horrible wrong. His love and support never waned over this six year process. I often think if I knew then what I know now would I have gone through with it and the answer is always yes.

I’ve thought about this day for many years and particularly over the last several since the legal process began. Every time I would find my mind naturally wandering to this outcome I’d quickly remind myself not to get my hopes up. On reflection the highs, the lows of not just one trial but three, a Supreme Court decision, the risk of delay, prejudice, corroborative evidence, the difficulty getting a conviction in a historical case, the length of time it took to get here and the intricacies of any given trial would always ground me with the real potential of it all going wrong.

During all of that I would try and forget the emotional trauma I was experiencing and remind myself that fundamentally I was doing the right thing, morally, ethically, socially and personally. That’s not to say the legal process hasn’t pushed the boundaries of how much one person can take. I’ve been a witness in a trial all about me with no legal representation as such, no guidance, no advice what to say, what not to say, I wasn’t privy to documents, case notes, letters or files which supports everything I’ve said. All I had was the truth and the knowledge I was doing the right thing.

The whole process has been overwhelming, extremely emotional and very surreal. You, ******, had the opportunity to prevent all of this by taking responsibility for what you did. Instead you again chose the hurtful path of deception, lies and denial hoping that the process would screw up and end up favouring you. You rolled a dice at our expense, and you rightfully lost. I’m more upset than angered by this, because I naively thought you may have accepted what you did. There could have been a flicker of kindness from you. Instead we got a show of your true colours.

I was born into a very loving, caring and stable home and the foundation was there to give me the best chance possible in life. We didn’t have much, but one thing we did have in abundance was love and each other. My dad died at a young age which was such a hard time for me and my family. My mam was widowed with eight children to look after and to find out some years later that her child, her baby, was abused in such a horrific way really shook her to the core. There was some talk during the trial about why we didn’t go further with the complaint in the ’90s but after being through this process my mother and I made the right decision not to. We had a very special bond, she knew her child and she was protecting me from further trauma of putting me through a court case. When I think about what she went through it makes me very sad indeed. She took that to her grave and I know wherever she is now she is smiling down and is very proud.

When I think back to my childhood my initial memories are not of happy ones, they are of the horrible things you did to me when I was a young girl. Your home may not have been a safe home for you to grow up in and it certainly wasn’t a safe home for me to be in playing innocently as a child. Only you know the answer as to why you picked me to do those things to. Perhaps it was as ****** suggested, my mother a widow, my dad was dead, my nearest sibling was 5 years older, all of which may have made me isolated and vulnerable. To be honest it really doesn’t matter because the fact is you did. You catapulted me into a whole different world, you took away my ability to be just a kid and to later not have the benefit of thinking back and only having the fond memories to reflect on, something every child should be entitled to.

I had to live near you for many years and each day was a challenge because I never knew when I’d see you. I passed your house on a daily basis and that was terrifying and frightening as a child. The fear of seeing you continued into my teens, I too worked in ****** and I would be so afraid walking through those fields for fear of bumping into you. When you moved away it was a happy time for me because out of sight was out of mind.

My teenage years and most of my 20s were quite turbulent. The abuse I suffered directly affected my self-esteem, lowered my self-confidence and tore apart my self-respect. All of which led to a completely skewed view of intimacy and an inability to form proper relationships with men.

As you’ve heard during the trial, I did have some counselling in my teens and while it did help, the maturity really wasn’t there at the time to engage. As a result of no self-esteem and selfworth my first relationship was a violent and abusive one and only through the constant love and support of my family I was able to get away from that situation.

In my late 20s I found myself back in counselling and what started off as bereavement counselling after the death of my boyfriend at the time, turned into going back to the start and talking about everything that had happened to me throughout my life. I went privately once a week for about 18 months and after stripping it all back I was able to rebuild again allowing me to have some form of peace with everything.

I consider myself one of the lucky ones even after what I’ve described because no matter what was happening in my life at any given time I always had my family. Deep down I knew I came from a good place, they were my constant and kept me on the right road and without that foundation I’m scared to think of how things may have ended up. I have a successful career and a strong desire to care for others which I can fully relate to my experiences as a young girl and teenager.

I’m very lucky to have an amazing husband, wonderful children, my family and lots of friends to enrich my daily life. After today I can honestly say I will draw a line in the sand and move on but most of all I have learned that tough times don’t last, tough people do.

Finally, I would like to thank everybody involved in getting to this day especially my dear family and friends, my sister ****** who crossed the Atlantic three times to see justice done and stand by my side. Sergeant ****** and Detective ****** from ****** Garda station, I am very appreciative of all the work you’ve done.

To the staff of this court especially Justice White for your expertise, knowledge and patience in seeing this trial through to the end. Mr Fitzgerald and your team, I fully accept you had a job to do in defending your client and even though your case has been lost you can rest assured a guilty man has been found guilty.

To the volunteers at Victim Support at court especially Terry, I will never forget you all and I can honestly say this whole process would have been a lot harder if it wasn’t for you. To Mr. Murray and your team, Geraldine and Kieran I will be eternally grateful for everything you’ve done over the years. Your professionalism, dedication and empathy towards such sensitive matters is truly admirable. I may be a drop in the ocean of what goes on inside the walls of this building but I will never forget everything that has been done for me to finally have justice, peace and closure.

Thanking you all from the bottom of my heart.