PSYCHOTHERAPIST SUZANNE O’CONNOR TALKS ABOUT WAYS OF OBSERVING GRIEF FOR LOVED ONES WHO PASS AWAY DURING PERIOD OF ISOLATION. MARY FOGARTY REPORTS.
AS families currently find themselves unable to mourn in ways they would prefer, health psychologist and psychotherapist Suzanne O’Connor has some advice on how to begin to cope with the loss of a loved one.
‘Bereavement is the loss of a loved one, grief is the psychological symptoms around that and mourning is the social observation and expression of that grief,’ said Suzanne, who lives in Greystones and will soon be opening a practice in Bray at the Ariadne counselling centre on Glenard Avenue.
She said that what is missing in bereavement currently is how we are able to mourn. ‘Ireland is multicultural,’ she said. Whatever faith people may have, or none, there are certain ways of mourning now unavailable to the family members and friends of a person who has died.
‘Generally how we deal with grief is in connection and we have lost that to a great extent,’ said Suzanne. She said that psychologists have studied the stages of grief for many years. ‘Most would agree there are stages in grief. They do order them and generally people would feel them in that order, but not necessarily.’
She said that it varies depending on the individual.
They are thought to be shock, disorganisation, denial, depression (which is that yearning, ache, felling of loss and heartbreak), guilt, anxiety, aggression, resolution and re-integration. ‘With any other psychological illness or physical illness, how recovery is measured is a return to that individual’s baseline,’ said Suzanne. ‘With grief it’s not returning to baseline. Your life will be forever altered, but you re-integrate to life holding the loss of that loved one.’
She said that the depth of that depends on the relationship and bond with the person who has died. ‘If it’s your life partner, a child, whoever it is. Depending on the bond with that person it could be 10 years and you still feel that loss. It’s an integration of that loss into your life.’
With Covid-19 and the circumstances surrounding it, Suzanne has looked at studies around chronic grief and disenfranchised grief, which is grief that you aren’t able to mourn in the normal ways. ‘ There were studies done of disenfranchised grief in the early days of the AIDS epidemic in the early 80s. There was a prejudice around AIDS which I would like to think doesn’t exist today. That impacted people and their ability to grieve.
‘With Covid-19, there isn’t a prejudice, but people are not able to grieve the way they would normally like to. There are restrictions around funerals.’ She said that there are comparisons to be drawn with something like a natural disaster, but in other ways this is completely new. ‘ There will be more studies after this on what is currently happening,’ said Suzanne. ‘But for now we can go with what is there already.’
She said that there can be some guilt involved with grief in these circumstances, because people might not be able to be with their family member as they would like. They may be someone who was in long-term care, and there could be guilt around a sense of relief, common if a person has had severe dementia and in some ways was already lost.
‘ The difference is I don’t think anybody in any situation would want a loved one, no matter how ill they are, to actually die from Covid-19,’ said Suzanne. ‘ There is a trauma in that and even some PTSD. Guilt may be something experience a lot of because of what’s tied in with disenfranchised grief, and not being able to mourn the way they would want to.’
She compared the current situation to that of a natural disaster. ‘You might know you lost someone in, for example, a hurricane. The fear is that someone else, or ourselves, could get hurt or die. People may know that a family member is dead, and wonder who else they are going to find in the rubble. That can cause PTSD on top of the grief.’
The psychotherapist and grief expert Kenneth Doka said that when a death cannot be openly acknowledged or publicly mourned, a source of much needed emotional support is cut off.
Although that hasn’t been studied in terms of Covid-19, there are things people can do which may help at a troubling time.
‘Now is the time to rely on Zoom calls, the phone, and talking about what’s been happening,’ said Suzanne.
She said it’s important to talk about the person, remember them, and acknowledge what’s going on.
‘None of this is in your control and everything you are feeling is a normal response, especially in the given circumstances,’ she said,
‘For people who are really struggling, face to face therapy is really beneficial. There is online support out there and there will be more and more of that.’
Books may provide a sanctuary for some. Suzanne recently read about bibliotherapy in a Psychological Society journal. ‘Some people who are especially into reading might find solace in books,’ she said. ‘Not necessarily self help books, but they might look at the topic of grief.’ One she recommends is ‘Early Stage Grief - the Courage to Grieve’ by Judy Tatelbaum. ‘ That might work for some people,’ said Suzanne.’
While she doesn’t work with people under the age of 18, she has observed that for young children it’s really useful to read stories that relates to what’s going on for them. ‘When kids are hearing a story about someone else doing a thing they should be doing, they become way more engaged.
‘You can connect with something that’s going on and it can help you think “I’m not alone in this, other people feel the way I do”. That is a massive cathartic thing. Some of how therapy works is having someone else to sit with you and understand how you’re feeling, hold that emotional space for you, and you can feel free to feel that way.’
As people lose loved ones due to Covid-19, there is trauma and PTSD linked to that. ‘It isn’t a normal death, it is traumatic,’ said Suzanne. ‘People are taken. A natural though is “there’s something we could have done to prevent it” - although there really isn’t.
‘We want to make the world a normal place. We like to use our head over our heart, although that’s usually not what’s best for us, and we want to be able to blame.’
She said that people are having very real feelings of grief and heartbreak. ‘It’s an expression of love,’ said Suzanne. ‘You cannot grieve and feel grief if you were not loved and you didn’t love. It is the ultimate heartbreak.’
She urges anyone feeling that way to utilise the support available.
‘It’s really important for someone in that situation to remember that all the helplines are still open - the Samaritans, Aware, Pieta House, Grow, and others. You can even email someone. There is always someone to reach out to. You don’t have to be alone-alone. You can be cocooned and not be on your own. The old saying that a problem shared is a problem halved is true. Something in your head is always going to be bigger than sharing it. Even having those feelings acknowledged is so important.’
As restrictions are lifted, those who are grieving will be able to gather and remember the loved ones they lost.
‘Have a day to mourn that individual. It’s going to be really important to be able to say “I’m saying goodbye”. That can be difficult too, but it’s about love. You have to have loved someone and they have to have loved you for you to feel that pain, and that’s precious.’ To contact Suzanne, email counsellingforwardIreland@gmail.com.