Seeking a place for Ireland in UNESCO’S high fat hall of culinary fame

‘HERMIONE, oh love of my life, you’ll never credit it!’ ‘Credit what, oh beat of my heart? Has Donald Trump abolished Christmas?’ ‘He could do worse, of fairest of the fair, but no. It’s UNESCO. They have declared pizza to be of world heritage importance.’

‘Argh!’ No one says ‘argh’ with feeling quite the way that Hermione says ‘argh’ with all the vehemence of a gazelle choking on a stone. I know her too well by now to spring into action with the Heimlich Manoeuvre, so I let her continue rather than leaping from my armchair and grabbing her around the diaphragm.

‘Argh! This can only mean increased prices in the supermarkets, my handsome one. How shall we feed the family if pizza is heritage instead of plain old affordable food?’

I hastened to assure my troubled spouse that the declaration is unlikely to have such an effect. However, the move may well lead to the outlawing of pineapple and sweetcorn as toppings on pizza.

The heritage designation applies to the traditional food as it has been baked in the Naples region for the past two centuries. And apparently the pizza makers of Naples consider pineapple or sweetcorn to be abominations.

The United States may well have to apply to UNESCO for a special derogation allowing them to continue serving their pineapple laden Hawaiian pizza. The disgruntled Yanks will likely threaten to boycott the organisation unless granted parity of esteem with similar recognition for that fine old American institution, the doughnut.

In the meantime, stand by for pizza twirling parades led by excited Italian chefs. Watch out for blind pizza tastings at wine-sodden Neapolitan-themed evenings. And be ready to applaud house builders with their fingers on the cultural pulse as they respond by fitting timber-burning pizza ovens in each new home.

Fair play to UNESCO. The notion of world heritage has for too long been limited to mere place. Yes, of course, the likes of Newgrange or the Pyramids of Egypt deserve be recognised as wonders to be universally admired. But the reality is that a majority of the world’s population will never shin up a Pyramid or ride the canals of Venice in a gondola or swim with the penguins on the Galapagos Islands. The chances are, on the other hand, that most of us will have the opportunity at least once in our lives to wrap our chops around a pizza – some of us considerably more often than once.

Now that the authorities at the cultural organisation’s headquarters in Paris have raised the pizza on to a pedestal, they should stand by to receive a host of applications making the case for cuisines from other nations. They need not look far out the windows of their offices to see one-pot wonder coq au vin at the head of the queue. This traditional chicken in wine stew was promoted by King Henry IV (ruler 1589-1610) who as the dish to nourish all his subjects, rich and poor. It long pre-dates pizza.

UNESCO has elected to start their food heritage ball rolling with a high fat product which is popular with weekend revellers. So they may now care to give similar accolades to other delicacies from around the world with similar allure. Why not acknowledge China’s classic stir fry noodles? Or Indonesia’s nasi goreng rice? Or Scotland’s Mars Bar in batter?

Surely Ireland too must have a hefty culinary treasure or maybe two to offer for inclusion in this high cholesterol cornucopia. Anyone who has enjoyed takeaway after a night on the town in Banbridge will acknowledge the appeal of the Ulster chip. If the decision makers in Paris widen the brief to embrace drinks, then the pint of plain stout becomes an obvious contender, be it Beamish, Guinness or Murphy.

My nomination for Ireland’s spot in the world heritage roll of honour is needs some promotion as it is in danger of extinction. In an era obsessed with five-a-day portions of vegetables and lean cut meat, surely there is still a place for fried bread and streaky rashers. It must be white bread, thickly sliced. It must be streaky bacon, none of those medallions. And they must be cooked in lard.

My loins are stirring at the mere thought of such indulgence.