I always assumed I’d go to Heaven and believe God is a decent guy

I was seriously reprimanded a few weeks ago for being blasphemous in this column.

I was told in a 6 page anonymous letter signed by ‘a concerned Christian’ that I was going straight to hell for my sins.

Not only that but my son was going straight after me as I’d quoted him blaspheming as well. Apparently I’m a desperate sinner altogether and a very bad person.

My first reaction was to laugh. I mean in all fairness if I’m going to hell for saying the word ‘Jaysus’ occasionally what’s going to happen to the really bad sinners?

The likes of clergy who abused, both physically and mentally, children under their supervision. Where do they go? Is there a place worse than hell reserved especially for people like them?

I presume the murderers and rapists would go in with them because it doesn’t seem very fair to lob them in with me and a few million others whose biggest misdemeanour is to say ‘Jaysus’ every so often.

To be honest I always assumed I’d end up in Heaven.

I don’t think I’m a particularly good person. I don’t go to mass every Sunday, ( Who says that makes you good?!) I’m not always forgiving and kind but I do like to think I’ve a good heart.

I can picture myself wafting around on a nice big fluffy cloud, wearing sparkly angel wings and a white flowy dress for eternity.

Now that I think of it, I’ve never even stole anything in my entire life. Not even pick n mix from Woolworths!

I definitely haven’t murdered anyone, although the thought has crossed my mind on occasion! I certainly haven’t coveted my neighbour’s husband. Probably because he’s 82 and not very friendly! So on the whole I’m doing ok.

God in my mind is a pretty decent guy. I’m not getting into the whole male/female debate.

To me God is a man. Deal with it. I think he’d be ok with us using his name in vain every so often as long as we are good, kind people. People who look out for one another, respect each other and treat each other fairly.

Apparently my blasphemous work has been sent to the Bishop. I really hope he gets in touch, I’ve never met him.

I’m sure we would have lots to talk about. I quite like the notion of tea with the Bishop. I’d even bring cake.

Meanwhile to whoever wrote the letter – it’s pretty pathetic that you didn’t sign it.

I’d have respected you for that at least.

And here’s a thought: if you don’t like me blaspheming, if it upsets you that much, just stop reading me!

Simple as.

I CAN PICTURE MYSELF WAFTING AROUND ON A NICE BIG FLUFFY CLOUD, WEARING SPARKLY ANGEL WINGS AND A WHITE FLOWY DRESS