There is so much fun and satisfaction to be had from giving presents away

‘YOU are looking very pleased with yourself, Medders.’ That’s my Hermione, ever as perceptive as she is beautiful. She found me sprawled, happy as a pig in the mucky recess of a well warmed sty, amidst a litter of festive wrapping paper, sellotape and parcels. ‘I just happen to think this is going rather well, lambkins,’ I purred. ‘Christmas is such a thoroughly enjoyable time of year.’

‘And so it is. But I was just wondering why the creepily smug expression on your face.’

‘I just feel that this Christmas we are striking the right note with the presents we are sending, darling. Here, have a look at the list.’ Never one for the cheap remark, she resisted the temptation to say anything about checking the list twice, but she did make a serious effort to check it the once.

‘ The Cousins – a corkscrew,’ she read out loud.

‘A super one, lovesome. No cork can resist its pulling power.’ ‘You clearly had not heard that The Cousins have declared themselves teetotal and taken up yoga. They will never take your cork-screw out of the box.

‘ The Uncles – a hamper of gourmet cheeses. Very appropriate. Uncle Tom’s cholesterol is already through the roof. Uncle Dick is on a dairy free diet since he had the gallstones. And Uncle Harry only eats Calvita, which is no one’s idea of gourmet.’

‘Okay! We’ll give The Cousins the cheese and let The Uncles have the cork-screw. I’ll switch the labels. You keep reading ...’ Leo Varadkar – a hod.

You know, one of those yokes for humping bricks around the place. Let it serve as a reminder to our Taoiseach that the country is in the middle of a housing crisis. He can plonk it on the Cabinet table to stimulate his ministers into coming up with ideas of how to deal the issue. With an election in the offing, Leo could soon find himself thrown out of Leinster House and in search of alternative employment. Surely he is young enough to take up the hod in earnest and get a job on a construction site if necessary. Katie Taylor – a pair of braces.

The Bray boxer picks up world championships much in the way that mere mortals pick up tins of sardines in the supermarket. But have you seen the belts which go with each new title? They may be great for the ringside photo opportunities in the postfight euphoria but as a practical way of actually keeping up the champ’s trousers they are complete non-starters. Too heavy. Too big. Too ornate. Old-style braces are so much more comfortable. Lisa Chambers – a duffel coat.

Now the Fianna Fail TD really could do with some cheering up. All that adverse publicity about voting for colleagues in the Dáil cannot have been good for Lisa’s morale. So, I thought something sleek and fashionable would be just the tonic - as long as it meets the criteria. A woolly hat perhaps. Or a zippy maybe. Or how about a scarf ? In the end, the choice was a duffel coat with a splendid set of toggle fasteners. Lisa needs to stay away from buttons just at the moment.

Boris Johnson – a globe.

The British prime minister could do worse than keep the globe on his desk in Downing Street and give it an occasional twirl as he thinks his great thoughts of getting Brexit done. And when he looks at the earth revolving beneath his fingertips, he may notice something. He will see that his UK is very close indeed to the EU, while a whole ocean removed from the USA. Geography dictates that he needs Europe more than he needs America. Just a thought.

The people of Oylegate – ear plugs.

This was the most difficult prezzie of all to dream up and I am not convinced that I have hit on the right idea for folk who could use a dollop Christmas cheer. Their Co. Wexford village is notable for one thing: on the entire run of EuroRoute One from the ferry port at Rosslare to the city of Belfast, there is just one set of traffic lights. Yes, the lights are in the middle of Oylegate. All traffic heading north and south is funnelled into Oylegate. It is a recipe for constant traffic jams. The plugs may come in handy.