Off we go Down Under for Christmas, and I may have over packed, slightly
IT will be grand, they said. You have 30 kg, they said. You’ll never fill that, they said. They were wrong. I did and I can tell you one thing – it isn’t grand!
I’m due to get on a long haul flight in a few hours, the cases won’t close, I forgot to get the Dingo dollars and we’re missing one passport!
The passport will turn up. It is somewhere in the depths of this hovel we call home.
A hovel I cleaned from top to bottom yesterday but somehow ended up being decimated by my offspring and spouse since.
But the luggage situation may not be quite so easily solved. He shouted at me using the Lord’s name in a manner that I’m sure The Man Above didn’t intend.
‘WHAT have you got in there?’ he roared. ‘Your presents,’ I roared back, trying to make him feel guilty.
It never works.
The truth is his presents are taking up a very small section of my case. The rest is all my own work! There is an outfit for every occasion and climate, a hair dryer, a hot brush, seven pairs of shoes and a make up bag with every product ever created to make me look ten years younger.
He holds up a hoody – ‘We’re going to bloody Australia!’ ‘Well it could get chilly at night, you don’t know,’ I shot back.
Suddenly he clocks the pile of underwear, taking up half the case. I can see his blood pressure rising.
‘Now before you say anything can I just state my case – the dog minder has been to Australia and she says underwear is really expensive over there.’
He takes a deep breath then, ‘You have at least 50 pairs of knickers in that case. We are going for 20 days. What are you going to do? Wear two pairs at a time?’
Suddenly, out of the corner of his eye he spots what I know will be the straw that broke the camel’s back. A huge box containing Waterford Crystal glasses for his sister that he told me NOT to buy because the were too big and bulky. Did I listen?
‘What. Is. That?’ I always know when he goes quiet that I’m in big trouble. This time he’s gone quiet and his eyes are bulging too. Armageddon is nigh.
‘Surprise!’ I squeak and I give him my most winning smile. He stares at me stony faced and finally says, ‘How you get them on the plane is your problem. You may have to leave all your knickers behind.’ And he walks out the door.
I wonder will he be talking to me by the time we get to Singapore?
SUDDENLY HE CLOCKS THE PILE OF UNDERWEAR, TAKING UP HALF THE CASE. I CAN SEE HIS BLOOD PRESSURE RISING