I am rubbish at giving advice to the teenager regarding his first date

I’VE been explaining the main principles of correct dating procedure to the eldest as I suspect there may be a woman on the scene!

There’s been a few giveaways. He’s showering every day, virtually unheard of before, his socks now match. He’s going around grinning like a maniac and spending most of his time frantically texting on his phone.

The Youngest wanted to contribute to the conversation. She has very set ideals: Be polite, be kind, be respectful and no kissing on the first date because you don’t really know the person that well. It’s ok on the second date though.

‘As far as I know the man should pay for the first few dates and then the woman should. That’s how I think dating works! I don’t have much experience’ she explains. ‘You don’t have ANY experience! ‘ quips The Teenager.

I’m feeling a little bit out of my depth to be honest. Yes of course I snogged fellas and whatnot (that is NOT a metaphor for doing the business by the way) when I was 14 but that doesn’t mean I want my children doing the same things I got up to. Or worse, doing things I didn’t get up to!

Times have changed. Teenage liaisons are not the innocent fumbles they were in my day. My first kiss was behind the bike sheds in my school. It was chaste and childish. There was no hanky panky or removal of clothing and afterwards he gave me his Cladagh ring. Bless him.

Nowadays you hear of young ones and young fellas...No I can’t even go there! Suffice to say I want to provide my son with the right guidance and advice so that he will be respectful and responsible when it comes to girls. ‘ Treat them like you would your sister,’ I advised.

‘Jesus Mother! That is wrong on so many levels!!’ he yelled at me. ‘Ok maybe I didn’t word that right but what I meant was you wouldn’t let anything bad happen to your sister so apply the same rules to a girlfriend. Be kind, open doors for her, pull out chairs, pair for her chips,’ I suggest. ‘He never pays for my chips!’ retorts his sister. ‘ That’s all a bit sexist isn’t it? I’m not sure about all this paying for everything lark. Surely we should go dutch?’ he says. ‘Don’t mind all those feminists! A woman loves a bit of chivalry,’ I reply. Even to my own ears I hear my mother coming out of my mouth.

‘And Listen to her....even if there is a lot of girl drama,’ The Youngest advises her brother. She’s way better at this than I am.

I open my mouth and my mother comes out again: ‘If you dip your wick you have to pay for the oil!’ They both look confused. ‘What’s a wick?’ The Youngest asks. ‘Ask your father.’ I am rubbish at this.

MY FIRST KISS WAS BEHIND THE BIKE SHEDS. THERE WAS NO HANKY PANKY AND AFTERWARDS HE GAVE ME HIS CLADAGH RING. BLESS HIM.