My honesty should score me a few points with the God Squad

THE Youngest has started asking awkward questions about religion. I’d much rather she asked awkward questions about the Birds and The Bees because I have some personal experience of that situation. Religion I’m not so good at.

She’s making her Confirmation in a few months and so wanted to know exactly what that meant. How the hell am I supposed to know that? Let’s call a spade a spade here – we are not regular mass goers. We’re the type that rock up for funerals, weddings, christenings and Christmas day. She’s making her Confirmation because everyone else in her class is making their Confirmation. Simple As.

And I’m aware that makes me sound a bit of a hypocrite but the truth is she goes to a Catholic school, not because we’re staunch Catholics but because it was the best girls school in our area.

And that is the reason why 99% of all the kids attending that school are there. At least I’m honest. That should gain me a few brownie points with the God Squad.

It’s not that I don’t believe in God because I do. At least I think I do. But I am not so keen on some of the teachings of the Catholic church. It’s not a very tolerant faith is it?

Iwentthrougha phase a couple of years ago when I considering converting to Quakerism.

They believe in honesty, integrity and equality. They have weekly meetings where they pray silently. It was the silent bit that changed my mind in the end. That wasn’t going to work for me!

So back to The Child’s

Confirmation. What does it mean. ‘Well, it means that you are confirming your faith in Jesus Christ,’

I bluffed. ‘What does that mean?’ she asked. ‘It means that the priest will ask you to confirm that you believe in God,’ I tell her clutching at straws.

‘But I do believe in

God. Why do I have to tell everyone that I believe in God?’ She’s getting a bit annoyed now and I have visions of her throwing a complete wobbly and refusing to make the bloody thing at all.

Holy Communion is much easier to explain. They’re younger, ergo more gullible. You just tell them they’re receiving the bread of Christ, they’re going to wear a lovely dress and probably make a shedload of money.

I don’t remember anything about my own confirmation other than I designed my outfit myself – red velvet knickerbockers and matching jacket with a frilly collar. My mother cut my fringe so short that I looked slightly deranged.

Realising I had no wisdom to impart to The Youngest, I decided to appeal to her superficial side. She is my daughter after all. ‘You’re going to wear a gorgeous dress, we’ll go out for lunch to your favourite restaurant and we’ll get a bouncy castle forlater.’

‘Yaaaaaaaay’ she cried, finally content with my answer. My job is done!

WE ARE NOT REGULAR MASS GOERS. WE’RE THE TYPE THAT ROCK UP FOR FUNERALS, WEDDINGS, CHRISTENINGS AND CHRISTMAS DAY