CAN I MEND MY FAMILY AFTER LOSING MY SON?

Last year my son took his own life at the age of 31. My ex-wife blames me for his death and has cut off all communication, but I was very close to him and we had a loving relationship. I am in my mid-60s and my ex-wife and I divorced when our son was 11, following an emotionally abusive marriage. She always set very high expectations for our son and he fought to fulfil them without success. As a teenager, he suffered from depression and anxiety. Our daughter supports her mum and has recently limited her communication with me to a minimum. How can I come to terms with being blamed for my son’s death and the gradual disintegration of my relationship with my daughter? There is nothing worse than the loss of a child, and to be blamed for his death simply adds to this unbearable agony. I am so sorry. Remind yourself that you have been a loving father and have always tried to help him. The pressure he was put under could not have been easy. When a child commits suicide, many parents often feel anger, guilt and shame. They can torture themselves with thoughts that they could have done more, or should have been able to prevent it. Some feel anger and think they are responsible – even if they did everything they could for their child. I am not making excuses for your wife – what she is doing by blaming you is awful. However, what could be happening is that she is feeling some or all of these emotions, and is trying to put the blame on to you as a way of reducing and dealing with her own pain. But this is unfair and your son’s death is not your fault – please believe that. Tell your daughter how much you love her and want to be close. Gently explain what her mother is doing, but show her you understand. She could encourage her mother to contact Console (1800 247 247, console.ie) or the Bereavement Counselling Service (bereavementireland.com).