I’M STUCK IN A LOVELESS MARRIAGE

My marriage is like a prison. My husband is cold, distant, moody, belligerent and we have not made love for at least ten years. He says he doesn’t want to have sex with me, but has had at least five affairs. The first one was when our children were little and the last one ended recently. He just brushes it under the carpet with no effort to make amends. He watches porn and has no-strings-attached sex with people he meets on dating websites. He has an extremely well-paid job, but is cruel and dictatorial and controls all the money, so I have none to shop, socialise – or contact a lawyer. He is sociable and our friends like him, but they have no idea what he is really like. I did have a tit-for-tat affair, but unfortunately we fell in love and disentangling from that was difficult. My husband found out and, although I had only slept with this man twice, was furious and said that what I had done was much worse as it involved affection, whereas his affairs were purely about sex. I am utterly stuck and need some help. What a horrible situation for you. I am so sorry. Your husband is controlling, abusive and does not love you. His behaviour is appalling and you need to find a way to end the marriage. He feels free to find sexual relationships elsewhere, but does not want to make love to you, which is selfish, cruel and damaging to your self-esteem. ‘Revenge’ affairs are generally not a good idea as they only make the unfaithful spouse feel more justified about their own betrayal. Research shows that two thirds of men are happy to have sex without any feelings of love, whereas two thirds of women would only have sex if they loved someone. Sadly, I suspect he is only staying for financial reasons and possibly because of the children. I fear that the longer you stay with him, the worse he will treat you. Contact Free Legal Advice Clinics (flac.ie, 1890 350 250) for advice and to find a solicitor in your area. Providing there are assets (and your husband is clearly wealthy), you could start divorce proceedings and then recover the legal costs from him later.