How to make sure your gal pals are with you well into old age
From playground BFFs and uni gangs to mummy mates and empty-nester chums, our close circle ebbs and flows over a lifetime. Here’s how to make the most of these important bonds at every age
We have become so used to making connections with the click of a button that it might sound odd to suggest that anyone still longs to make friends in real life. Yet the disturbing truth is that the number of people we feel we can turn to falls rapidly after the age of 25. We might think Facebook and WhatsApp are saving our relationships, but they only slow the rate of decay. And we need to work hard to maintain friendships we want to keep.
‘ There’s something about seeing the whites of people’s eyes that really makes a difference,’ says Robin Dunbar, a professor of evolutionary psychology.
But it’s not all bad news. The success of Hey! Vina, a friendship app launched last year, shows that women of all ages are keen to make friends in the real world. And although we might find we have fewer friends when we are older, we often end up feeling closer to the ones we keep, with more shared history and fewer inhibitions than we had when we were younger. These friendships are often deeper and more fulfilling. 1 THE GANG YEARS School and university provide a Petri dish for friendships. Yes, there are regular streams of new people and, yes, there are lots of clubs where you can meet others with similar interests, but to a teenager the situation can look very different. It can seem as if you’re stuck with these people – what if you don’t care about Taylor Swift or you aren’t obsessed with Deliciously Ella?
You might have great memories of that end- of-term disco, but someone else remembers cliques, exclusion and bullying. THE SOLUTION As a parent, you can help. Dr Sam Carr, a director of studies in education and psychology, recommends ‘chatting to your child about how friendships are as much about empathy, compassion and acceptance as they are about popularity or liking the same thing as everyone else’.
Tell them about your own experiences and take them to an after-school club to help them make friendships where they won’t feel the same peer pressure they might from classmates. This will also give them confidence to deal with potential bullies. Try to be aware of what they might be going through without meddling – calling up another parent to complain about their child leaving yours out during playtime should be the last resort. 2 THE SOCIABLE YEARS When you start work, you will probably be mixing with people of different ages and backgrounds, which can open up your friendship group. You can still enjoy a big Sunday dinner with your university pals, but you might also want to add to your circle. THE SOLUTION Use your current friends to meet other people by suggesting they bring new colleagues or roommates along to parties. Use Facebook and WhatsApp to make new connections, but fix arrangements offline – don’t expect a few likes on a post to turn into friendship.
Dr Amy Banks, a psychiatrist and the author of Wired to Connect, suggests you check in with a friend a couple of times a week to make sure you are socialising and not getting too caught up in work.
‘If you neglect friendship at any stage of life, you will feel less competent when you meet new people,’ warns Banks.
If you have never felt comfortable in groups, this is the time to break away as it should be easier to have a drink with an individual friend than it might have been when you were at university. And don’t feel bad about it. ‘Not joining a group is fine,’ says Banks, ‘as long as you are seeing some people individually during the week.’ ➤
The number of people we feel we can turn to falls rapidly after the age of 25