MY DAUGHTER’S AFFAIR CONCERNS ME

Our 26-year-old daughter is having secret liaisons with an older married man who has two young children. When I confronted her she denied there was anything going on, but I know from her sister that there is. She is just about to move into her own house round the corner from us. Can you imagine the distress this might cause if we call round and find him there? I know that she has told him about our conversation and his response is to keep things low-key, as he doesn’t want to risk his marriage or upset his children. I want her to nip this in the bud and feel like phoning his wife anonymously and telling her to keep a close eye on her husband. Alternatively, I might confront him in the pub and warn him off. Doing nothing is not an option as once my daughter moves out, she will have more opportunities to continue her fling. My partner and I have a good relationship with both our daughters and brought them up with decent values. Am I doing the right thing? Though I understand that you want to protect your daughter, if you do either of those things you risk making her angry and alienating her completely. Definitely don’t contact his wife as it could backfire and break up the marriage and devastate the children. Talk to your daughter about the affair, but don’t take the moral high ground and tell her that it must stop – she won’t listen. She could be in love and hoping that he will leave his marriage for her. Instead, tell her gently how concerned you are that she could get badly hurt. The majority of men who cheat don’t end their marriages, but like to enjoy the excitement of an affair. Point out that, as there are children involved, he will probably never leave his wife and she could spend years hoping that he will until it’s too late to have children of her own. Also, his wife could find out and, as a result, he could end the affair, leaving her extremely hurt – or, as mentioned, it could wreck the marriage and have a negative impact on the children. Don’t confront this man – certainly not in public. If he happens to be there when you call round to your daughter’s house, you could bring up your concerns with him – but don’t get angry. If anyone is going to end the affair, it is better that he or your daughter does it rather than you.