Dear Zelda

Our relationships expert Zelda West-Meads answers your questions

MY BROTHER’S GIRLFRIEND IS A WASTE OF SPACE

My mother, sister and I are in despair over my younger brother. He is 32, clever and has a high-flying job, but in other ways he is utterly stupid. He is divorced and we all consider his new girlfriend of three months to be a klutz. Six months ago, she lost her father who did everything for her. Now my brother has taken over that role. She can’t check her tyres or change a wheel on her car and even failed her driving test eight times. My brother is helping her to decorate her house and she doesn’t know one end of a brush from the other. Our father gambled everything away and we lost our home, so our mother brought us up to be independent. She went back to college and now has a senior management role. In her new house, she did all the DIY jobs including fixing the washing machine and leaky taps and plastering and painting the walls – and she taught us to do the same. My sister rewired her own house. I buy and renovate houses. We have told our brother what we think, but he just says that his two sons are fond of her. His girlfriend knows how we feel. It is such an unequal relationship and she is a waste of space. Suppose for a minute that you were writing a lonely hearts ad. Would it read: ‘Kindness and personality immaterial, but must be practical and brilliant at DIY’? Maybe she has other qualities that appeal to your brother. The fact that your nephews are fond of her, for instance, may mean that she is a kind and caring person and, potentially, a loving stepmother. Perhaps she is intelligent, interesting and loves your brother – and vice versa. Of course, it may be that your concerns are about deeper issues. Maybe her father also supported her financially and you worry that she may have latched on to your brother because she sees him as a cash cow and thinks that he can provide her with a comfortable lifestyle, in which case your concerns would be understandable and you could gently voice these to him. Also, perhaps because your family lost everything and had to become fiercely independent, you find it hard to imagine not being so. If your brother loves her and he is happy, it is his decision.