MY MOTHER AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN CLOSE

Throughout my life there has never been a bond between my mother and me, but she is very close to her identical twin sister. They have always lived within five miles of each other and spend time together every day. I am in my early 50s and they are in their mid-70s. I am not close to my aunt and never hear from her, except when she sends me birthday and Christmas cards. My mother will not discuss the problems that I have with my aunt or how I feel that I’m on the outside of their relationship. My father took his own life in the 1980s and I am an only child, so I feel quite alone. I had therapy for depression after my father’s death. My mother won’t talk about anything with me, yet she has an amazing relationship with her twin. Should I just walk away, be on my own and maybe feel happier? To feel excluded by your mother all your life is incredibly hard – I am so sorry. I think that your aunt sees you as a threat to her relationship with her sister, so she ignores you. This is unfair and unkind of both of them. Your mother could have enjoyed a close bond with her sister while still having a loving and caring relationship with you – this is particularly important considering the tragic loss of your father. His death must have had a huge impact on your mother, too, and I wonder whether she is suppressing her feelings about this and finds it difficult to talk about emotional issues. You don’t say whether you are married or have children, but I suspect that this is not the case as you feel so alone. Write to your mother to explain how much you feel excluded by her relationship with her twin and how you long to be closer with her. If she can’t or won’t change, you don’t have to cut off all contact but keeping some distance may help. Return to counselling to help you to deal with these difficult feelings and build up the confidence to make new friends and perhaps find someone you could share your life with.