He wants to keep his mistress – and our marriage

My husband of 20 years is having an affair with a woman 15 years younger than him, and eight years younger than me. We have two children, aged 14 and 12. He does not want to leave us but he wants to continue the affair. He has told her that he will not end the marriage and that we don’t have sex any more. This is such a lie. We have lots of sex. He says he would understand if I also had an affair. He has a high-powered job, which he loves, and I work and have contributed a lot to the family finances. I am 38, well educated, attractive and popular. He says she is not nearly as pretty as me. While I am financially secure I know that my family would be traumatised if I left him. His girlfriend lives abroad and he now wants us to move there to live – his company has offices in that country. Would it be crazy to move there or would it be even more risky to let him go while I do single parenting here? Some married couples have open marriages and both agree that they can have sex with other people. It works for some but I get many letters where it has gone very wrong because usually only one person in the marriage wants this arrangement – which would be the situation for you. Or either the husband or wife falls in love with the person they are having an affair with and then ends the marriage, leaving their partner heartbroken. It’s tempting perhaps to have an affair yourself, to see how your husband feels about the thought of you making love to another man, but this is not the answer. Divorce is always difficult for children but so is living in an unhappy marriage. I suspect if your family knew that your husband was having an affair and had no intention of ending it (or perhaps would even have other affairs in the future), and if they knew how devastated you are feeling, they would understand if you were to end the marriage. If you moved abroad it would make it easier for him to conduct his affair and would be a huge upheaval for you and your children. If he moved there alone it would be incredibly painful thinking of them together. So he needs to know he has a choice: you or this other woman. If he insists on both it would hurt less in the long run if you end this marriage now.