Our life has changed since my surgery

I am 57 and two years ago I had surgery that has wrecked my life. I had to have a hysterectomy because of severe endometriosis which resulted in a perforated bowel. Now I have to wear two stoma bags. The effect on my 40-year marriage has been catastrophic. We have always worked hard and were looking forward to retirement so that we could do things together. Now life is so different from what we had hoped. Intimacy, travel and even meals out are a distant memory. I have been told that it’s safer to live with my condition than have more surgery. My last operation nearly killed me as I suffered respiratory failure. What advice can you give to a couple where one of us is disabled and depressed and the other is fairly fit, bored and quite frankly, resentful. You have been through so much and I am sorry. This is not easy for either of you. Your husband needs to be more understanding as these dramatic changes were not your fault. If it was the surgeon’s error or a medical mistake, you should consider making a claim for financial compensation. Many couples in this situation still have a sexual relationship. The bags can be changed before sex and there is pretty underwear designed to cover them. You need to find a compromise between doing very little and some of the things that you had planned. You don’t have to do everything together. Your husband could take up new hobbies, sports or charity work to keep him busy while you rest. A cruise would enable you to travel together and it’s important to see friends and do things as a couple, too. Please see your GP for treatment for depression.