I only ever wanted her to love me

Irish Daily Mail - YOU - - YOUR PROBLEMS ANSWERED - Zelda West-Meads

As an only and un­wanted child, I have craved my mother’s love all my life. At 62, I re­alise that she is nar­cis­sis­tic – she wasn’t ca­pa­ble of loving me and never will be. She now has stage four de­men­tia. I left my dif­fi­cult mar­riage and moved 500 miles to care for her. She is a hoarder and a con­trol freak and won’t al­low me to turn on hot wa­ter, heat­ing, a vac­uum cleaner or a ra­dio. Her room is a tip and she is forc­ing me to live in her 1940s pigsty mi­croworld. She can be abu­sive and I was stupid to think that she would ever love me. I can’t aban­don her as I am re­spon­si­ble for her wel­fare. Should I take her home to live with my hus­band and me or buy a full-time care pack­age and walk away be­fore I go un­der? I know that she is too old and ill for me to leave her, but I feel iso­lated with no friends and she feels that I don’t de­serve a life other than look­ing af­ter her. This is so heart­break­ing. Chil­dren need their par­ents’ un­con­di­tional love. You have been a car­ing daugh­ter but, sadly, you have never felt loved by your mother. Un­for­tu­nately, even with the de­men­tia, she is still un­kind to you. Some­one who is nar­cis­sis­tic can show com­plete dis­re­gard for other peo­ple’s thoughts or feel­ings, al­ways putting their own needs be­fore any­one else’s. This is what your mother has done all her life. Though she will ob­ject, you must think of your­self more. Be­cause of your up­bring­ing, I sus­pect that you have rarely done so. It would be a dis­as­ter to take her back to live with you and your hus­band. The mar­riage sounds as though it is un­der too much stress al­ready and her health is only go­ing to get worse. Also, she is abu­sive and you need to see a lot less of her. The best so­lu­tion would be to find her a live-in carer or a care home, some­where not too far away from you. You could visit her, but not too often. As soon as she starts to be abu­sive, leave. I hope that you have good friends and other fam­ily mem­bers to sup­port you. Have mar­riage coun­selling to see if the prob­lems can be re­solved. You de­serve far more from life than what you are get­ting.

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