My abusive husband won’t let me leave

My marriage of 23 years has always been a struggle because of my husband’s temper and his depression. He is like two different people, even though he takes medication. He can be lovely, then something trivial happens and he snaps. Two of our three adult children still live at home. He is emotionally and verbally abusive. Once he told me to kill myself and I ended up getting sectioned as I couldn’t cope any more. I have tried to leave, but he hounds me and makes me promise to stay. To the outside world, he is charming. My father attempted to abuse me when I was a child and though I try to look after him now, as my mother asked me to before she died, I am never alone with him for safety reasons. Why am I everyone’s doormat and so easily controlled and walked over? Sadly, when someone has been abused and badly treated as a child, they often subconsciously repeat that pattern in adult life because it is what they are used to. Also, because they have been so damaged, their self-esteem has been battered and they may feel worthless, so they don’t expect much from a relationship. Your bullying and controlling husband has compounded this by making you feel so undermined and dominated that even when you want to end the marriage, he uses his power to stop you. You need to leave him. So seek counselling to give you the emotional strength and also contact the Law Society of Ireland for advice on how to protect yourself while going through a divorce. For instance, you might need a restraining order to keep your husband away from you. You should also read Invisible Chains: Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationship by Lisa Aronson Fontes (€16.79, easons. com and bookshops nationwide). See if there are other family members who can look after your father. Your mother shouldn’t have asked you to take care of him. My sister is having difficulty coming to terms with the fact that her 21-year-old daughter is a lesbian, although she has known this for several years. She is a loving mother and has been supportive to her daughter, who is an only child. But she has talked to me about how disappointed she is that her daughter won’t fall in love with a man, get married and have children; she feels that she will miss out on being a grandmother. Some parents still find it hard to accept that their son or daughter is gay. This is usually because they worry that life might be more difficult for them and, like your sister, fear that they may not have grandchildren. Many lesbian and gay couples do have children, however. The most important thing is to show our children that we love and care about them whatever their sexuality. I suggest that she gets in touch with LGBT Ireland (lgbt.ie, call 1890 929 539). As well as providing information for the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community, this network also supports parents and families of LGBT children and could help your sister talk through her worries.