I want to leave my abusive husband

My marriage of 20 years has been volatile and we have not had a sexual relationship for eight years. My husband is 59. I have thought about leaving him for years, as I have had enough of his nastiness and hate. He calls me names, hates my friends and makes me feel ugly and alone. Our 18-year-old daughter has suffered emotionally due to what she has witnessed during her childhood. My son, now 27, has always been the strong one, but he hates his stepfather for the way that he treats me. At 51, I can’t cope any more. I was scared to leave before as I have always put my children first. Now it’s time to think of myself – is that selfish? I used to have a close friend and family members who I could run to, but now when we argue, my husband says, ‘Where will you go? Your dad and your friend are dead and your mum has dementia.’ My daughter did want us to stay together, but now she thinks differently. It is sad that you have been in such an unhappy marriage for so long. Unfortunately, controlling men undermine their partners so much that they often find they are too frightened to end the relationship. Your husband sounds abusive and you are not selfish for wanting to leave him. Divorce can be upsetting for children, even adult ones, but staying in an unhappy marriage, especially if the children witness a lot of anger and aggression, can be worse. Your son hates his stepfather and your daughter has suffered emotionally. It is time to leave – perhaps you could seek counselling to help you find the courage to do this and to rebuild your self-esteem. Contact Accord (accord.ie, 01 505 3112) and also get in touch with a divorce solicitor. It would be better to live apart while you are going through the divorce.