DEAR ZELDA

More than 20 years ago, I made a huge mistake and slept with my husband’s colleague. Then I discovered that I was pregnant. When I informed this man, he laughed and said that it couldn’t be his child because he and his wife were unable to have children. We later lost contact. I wanted the baby, not a termination, so I had my daughter. Soon after, I discovered that my husband had also had an affair, so I thought, ‘We’ve both done wrong – I’ll put it behind me and start again.’ We then had a son together, but are now divorced. The only person I told that my husband might not be the father of my daughter was my best friend, but she died a few years ago. Her husband threatened to tell my daughter, who has often said, ‘I don’t feel as though my dad is my dad.’ I decided to tell her and she seemed fine. But recently she turned on me and insisted on a DNA test. She does not get on with her dad and we have not seen him for ten years. If she seeks this other man out, he will not want to know her. He is a successful businessman with a rich wife. My daughter refuses to speak to me until it is sorted out. I have always loved her and I feel so hurt. It is an upsetting situation, but it is also hard for your daughter to discover in her 20s that the man she thought was her father might not be. It is not clear if you ever told your ex-husband that your daughter might not be his. As you no longer see him, it is unlikely that he would agree to a DNA test. However, you, your daughter and your son can be tested to see if they have the same or different fathers. This means that you would also have to tell your son, if you haven’t already. I wonder though if your daughter wants to meet this other man because her relationship with her father has broken down and she hopes that he might be a better father. If so, you would need to gently tell her that he might reject her if she tries to contact him, which could be hurtful. For a DNA test, you should get in touch with DNA Ireland (dnaireland.ie).