DEAR ZELDA

I separated from my husband three years ago as he became angry so easily that he was intolerable to live with. I thought that it was best to take our sons away from the toxic atmosphere. They are now 14 and nine. He did not take it well and since then he has been directing his anger at my new partner and me with abusive emails. He uses the children to rile me and tells unpleasant lies about my partner that undermine their relationship with him. He deliberately misses their medical appointments and changes arrangements at the last minute. He brings them home well after bedtime, even though I have begged him not to as they have school the next day. He won’t help with homework or take our younger son to Cubs and he has taken our elder son away from his football club and enrolled him elsewhere, where I am not allowed to watch him play. They are showing levels of anxiety because of this behaviour, despite me trying to keep things conflict-free. He refuses to go to family counselling. I am terrified and upset that I have put them through more turmoil than I ever imagined. He will not rest until I have been punished and it scares me. It is understandable that you left your husband, as you were trying to protect your children and yourself. His behaviour shows that you did the right thing, so please don’t blame yourself for putting them through this. Divorce is hard enough for children, but so is an unhappy marriage. A truly loving parent should try to build an amicable relationship with their ex-partner for the children’s sake and it is healthier for the parents, too. However, your husband’s anger with you has blinded him to the needs of his children. Could another family member or a close friend talk to him about it and explain that by trying to get back at you, he is hurting the children? If nothing changes, get in touch with Mediate Ireland (mediateireland.com) for advice, or you may need to contact social services. You should also consult a divorce solicitor about supervised access.