THE LATE DECADES
WHERE THERE’S A WILL…
We might expect the death of a parent to bring a family together, but often the opposite happens. Siblings fall out over funeral arrangements, the will, the family home… ‘Losing a parent is enormous,’ says Bristow, ‘and at the same time, you have to make family decisions and do more joint organising than you’ve probably ever done in your lives.’ Other flashpoints can be the death of a sibling’s partner or divorce.
Sarah, 62, has not spoken to her sisters following the loss of their mother. ‘We were devastated when she died as we were close to her, but not to each other,’ says Sarah, a lecturer. ‘Our father had died two years previously so we had to work out what to do with the family home and possessions. Every item had an emotional connection. The process took a year with many disagreements. I’ve not been in touch since.’
WHAT TO DO
● Nurture the relationship ‘Often it’s the parents who keep siblings in touch, so after they’ve died, you no longer have that connection to fall back on,’ says Webber. Make more effort to contact each other of your own accord. Gestures such as phoning for a chat, offers of help and a letter count for a lot.
Create a group text or Facebook page if you haven’t already got one, and arrange get-togethers to keep you bonded. ● Build bridges ‘If you’ve fallen out over money or care of a parent, look at your own role in the rift as honestly as you can,’ says Webber. ‘Stop trying to prove you were right.’ If you want to move the relationship forward, offer an olive branch. ‘It could be a Christmas card, or just picking up the phone to say you’re sorry for what happened, you miss them and could you meet for a coffee? Your siblings will inevitably experience difficult times in later life with redundancy, illness or bereavement. Stepping in with a genuine offer of help and support can be a way to reconnect.’
It’s worth persevering: one study showed that being close to a sibling in old age boosts wellbeing more than a good relationship with a friend or adult children. ● Appreciate the uniqueness of family ‘Years pass, marriages fail, partners die, friends move away,’ says Webber. ‘As we age, we think more about the past than the future, and it’s an enormous comfort to be with the person who knew you before life got complicated – who was there before you married, before you were a mother or a chief executive – and remembers your old bedroom, your first pet, that camping holiday when you were ten. It’s a very strong link. No one knows us better than a sibling.’