MY SISTER, MY ENEMY
Sibling relationships have the potential to be enduring and loving – but often go very wrong. Anna Moore pinpoints common flashpoints and ways to stop them turning into feuds
Our sibling relationship is a connection unlike any other. It’s intimate, intense; a lifelong bond fraught with love and hate, jealousy and admiration, irritation and empathy. We start in the same place – in the same family with the same chances – and sometimes our lives follow spookily similar paths.
More often, though, we diverge wildly, with different careers, new partners and differing views, which can cause family rifts. Yet siblings are our anchor points, our memory-keepers, and research shows that close relationships improve our health and happiness, which is why Relate now offers sibling therapy for those who are struggling.
So what are the challenges faced by siblings at each life stage and what steps can you take to resolve them?
CHILDHOOD/TEENS ME, ME, ME
The Darwinian struggle for our parents’ love, time and attention is programmed into us. ‘It’s normal and natural,’ says clinical psychologist Linda Blair, author of Siblings. Issues can flare over who is cleverer, more attractive, who has more friends – and who the parents love most. ‘What counts in the early years is how parents react,’ says Blair. ‘If handled badly, it can damage the sibling relationship for years to come.’
This is what Sarah, 43, fears. She has two daughters, Charlotte, ten, and Chloe, 11. Chloe is more academic, sporty and outgoing than Charlotte, who seems resentful of her sister’s achievements. ‘They’re hugely competitive,’ says Sarah. ‘I think Charlotte feels she can’t match up even though she has other talents – she’s much more creative but constantly judges herself against her sister. They wind each other up,
bicker, scream. What upsets me is that I see no signs of love between them at all.’
WHAT TO DO
● Acknowledge differences As a parent, recognise, praise and nurture your children’s different strengths and talents – resist the common trap of signing them up to the same activities or expecting them to take the same path. ● Initiate discussion ‘Treat sibling arguments as opportunities to teach them how to sort out their problems,’ says Blair. ‘Encourage them to listen to one another by being a role model and listening fully to them yourself. Ask one to guess how the other is feeling: “Why do you think your sister is upset?”’ Take regular opportunities to talk through the small things – at family meals, on car journeys or a last chat before lights out. ‘Nurturing the ability to sense what the other needs is so important for a good, lasting relationship.’ ● Encourage cooperation Devise ways for siblings to collaborate rather than compete: ‘bonding over the shared care of a pet, making a family meal together or camping in the garden,’ suggests Blair. Childhood adventures are gold dust; studies show that shared positive memories are key for a close sibling relationship in adulthood. ● Establish family traditions ‘Don’t worry if siblings seem distant in their teen years,’ adds Blair. ‘It’s when they turn away from family to focus on their peers. Establish a few traditions where you come together, such as having pizza on a Wednesday night. They may moan, but in the long run, they’ll be glad.’ ➤
TWENTIES THE LOST YEARS
This is a key decade for siblings. ‘It’s when our paths start diverging,’ says psychotherapist Christine Webber. Some might go away to university while others stay at home. You choose different careers, start having serious partners whom the others may not like. ‘When your siblings make different life choices, it’s easy to say, “We’ve got nothing in common.” But if you drift apart now, it can be very hard to reconnect,’ Webber warns.
Rachel, 25, has a twin sister and a brother who is 28. ‘My brother has done his own thing, got a job at the other end of the country and is living with a girlfriend we’ve not met. He barely communicates with us and I worry we’re becoming strangers. With my sister, it’s the opposite: it’s too intense. There is competition over who is making the best life, with a boyfriend and a career. When we were younger my sister wanted to work in fashion, but she has ended up in sales, making money in a soulless job. Her boyfriend is fixated on income and possessions; I can’t stand him. I’m building my dream career working with animals, which means I have much less money, and at the moment I’m single. We’re living different lives. I feel she’s judging me and I’m probably judging her. We’re less connected than ever.’ WHAT TO DO ● Forge a new bond ‘Make the effort to meet for a drink or visit each other and focus on what you have in common,’ says Webber. ‘Aim to build a new kind of relationship that’s independent of parents and partners – if Rachel can’t stand her sister’s boyfriend, could she see her sister alone? Instead of focusing on everything she disapproves of, can she concentrate on what she loves about her sister? Those qualities will still be there.’ ● Form a sibling group text or Facebook page so you can share ups and downs, family jokes, important reminders. That way siblings such as Rachel’s brother, who don’t tend to respond, can at least see what’s going on. ● Be a touchstone ‘One of the best ways of remembering who you are is through a sibling,’ says Blair. ‘They know what you loved as a child, what you wanted when you were most yourself – before pressure and busyness kicked in.’ Gentle ‘remember whens’ are an important touchstone for siblings whose life choices have taken them in surprising directions. ● Forget past grievances If you hold grudges from childhood, view entry into adulthood as a chance to wipe the slate clean. If a sibling made you feel like a failure in the early years, accept that it may be because of how you were parented rather than anything they did. ‘Understand how family dynamics affected you,’ says Blair. ‘If you’re stuck in “she did that” thought cycles, try to see your siblings as others do. Acknowledge that they have grown up and treat them with respect, not as annoying children from your memory.’
THIRTIES COMPARATHON CRISES
This is when money and lifestyle differences can really start having an impact. Your sibling’s choice of partner can affect the family dynamic and there can be competition over whose children are the highest achieving or most loved by grandparents.
Liz, 37, a full-time mother-of-three, resents her younger sister, who is married to a wealthy husband. ‘It’s impossible to walk into her home without feeling horrible about my life,’ she says. ‘She married money – she’s also brilliant and creative and lives in the sort of home you see on Grand Designs. I’m living in a two-up, two-down, dreaming about maybe one day being able to afford a loft conversion. Her children have private education, music lessons and tutors, and she expects us to celebrate their every achievement. Distinction on the violin; top in maths. I’ve never resented her as much as I do now.’
WHAT TO DO
● Remember the grass isn’t always greener ‘When you’re feeling envious, remind yourself that you don’t see the true picture,’ says Webber. Liz knows only how her sister’s life appears from the outside; she doesn’t understand how it feels to be her. In reality, having a largely absent partner who works long hours to pay the mortgage, coupled with the pressures of keeping her home pristine or children achieving ‘as expected’, could be making her miserable. ● Don’t compare your children Children grow up, ditch the violin, succeed here, fail there, sometimes marry, sometimes divorce. ‘In the long run, measuring yourselves through your children is meaningless,’ says Blair. If one set of children is getting more attention from grandparents than another, don’t see it as evidence of greater affection: it’s more likely to reflect where the grandparents feel most needed or what’s convenient for them. ● Know your triggers ‘If you feel uncomfortable in your sister’s palatial home, meet for lunch elsewhere,’ advises Webber. ‘Be realistic about time spent together. Keep it to a few hours rather than a long weekend. If you feel a sibling is bragging, don’t get drawn in. Listen, praise, then change the subject.’
FORTIES AND FIFTIES REALITY BITES
Family responsibilities and care of elderly parents can be hugely divisive. Studies show that in 40 per cent of cases, there’s a single primary caregiver who feels unsupported by other siblings. ‘Watching your parents decline is emotional and painful,’ says psychotherapist Wendy Bristow. ‘
Add to this the relentless practical demands and financial decisions involved, and it’s hardly surprising many sibling relationships break down under the strain.’
Laura, 54, visits her 90-year-old mother, who has dementia, daily. She feels ‘saddled’ with the responsibility because she lives nearest, has no young children or full-time job and sees herself as the ‘least successful’ of her three siblings. But they take a different view. ‘They think I’m the “favourite”