DEAR ZELDA

I have been married twice, but both marriages were abusive and the sex was poor – neither of my husbands was bothered about my needs. I am now in a loving relationship with a caring man and I want a sexual relationship, but I am finding it difficult. We try different positions and he gets aroused, but we haven’t managed penetrative sex. He says to follow my instincts, but sadly this is not working. I haven’t had sex for 20 years and when I did it wasn’t enjoyable. Also, I was repressed as a child. I trust my new partner and know that he won’t walk away, but I want to enjoy full sex, as does he. I need some help. We are both in our 70s and want to make these the best years of our life. I am sorry that you were subjected to two abusive marriages, but your new partner sounds lovely and you have a good chance to sort this out. It is nice to hear that you both still want a good sex life in your 70s. It may be that you are not lubricated enough – this often happens with age or after the menopause. When making love, enjoy lots of foreplay so you become aroused and try one of the vaginal lubricants available. Alternatively, you could be suffering from vaginismus, which is a condition in which the anticipation of penetrative sex makes you feel anxious. This causes the vaginal muscles to contract and tighten, making penetration difficult, painful or impossible. Your fear could be because you were treated badly in your previous relationships and/or were made to feel that sex was wrong when you were a child. It can be treated with the help of therapy and by doing pelvic floor exercises at home to relax the vaginal muscles. Ask your GP for a referral to a gynaecologist or go to a sexual health clinic. With the support of a man who loves and understands you, it should be possible to overcome this problem.