DEAR ZELDA

My lovely daughter, who is in her early 40s with two young children under ten, has just served divorce papers on her husband without warning. He is absolutely furious. She knew he would explode as he has a terrible temper and she has been quite frightened of him throughout their marriage. He is wealthy and very controlling and he says he will fight tooth and nail to keep his money and access to the children. My daughter has had to use all her savings to pay her lawyer and is now running into overdraft. The only way we could help financially is to mortgage our house. We love her so much but think that if we do this, her husband might think he has been let off the hook financially. She cannot bear to stay with him until the children are grown up. What can she say to ease the tension without prolonging the agony? I think they have both fallen out of love. I expect that it was a huge shock for your daughter’s husband and this is one reason why he is so angry. To you it might not have seemed the most sensible decision; however, it is understandable, as she is scared of him. The trouble with controlling men (or women) is that when things are not going their way, they tend to get even worse. Could she and the children live with you while the divorce goes through and the house is sold? If not, your daughter (or you, or perhaps his parents or siblings) could explain to him that it is very damaging for the children if the parents have an acrimonious divorce, and ask him to be civil and keep his temper for their sake – if he is always angry, he probably won’t have a very good relationship with them after the divorce. She could also remind him that he doesn’t love her and that, as painful as it is now, he will be happier in the long term. Any settlement should leave her financially comfortable (and hopefully with custody of the children) so she should ask her lawyer if she could pay their fees after the divorce. They might be able to make her husband pay her an allowance. Ask them, too, what the legal position is if you lend her money. It would be best not to mortgage your house at this time in your lives. Your emotional support in helping her stand up to her husband is vital and I am sure she is glad to have such loving and supportive parents.