How can I forgive my selfish son?

In the past two years two of my children have got married. The phrase that is always bandied about is: ‘It’s your special day’, but what everyone fails to see is that it is one of the most important days in a parent’s life, too. One to be treasured for ever. Sadly, I did not treasure my son’s wedding. I was not included in any decision-making or consulted for my opinion, and if I gave it, I was told: ‘It’s our wedding.’ I was not asked who I would like to invite, so special friends I wanted to share such a memorable family occasion with did not attend. The hurt I felt was enormous and I am finding it very hard to forgive. My daughter’s wedding last month, however, was wonderful – both her brothers were ushers and the whole family had a lovely day. I did not want her future mother-in-law to suffer as I had, so the three of us discussed everything together. Surely it promotes selfishness to suggest children do things exactly their way? I think it is quite a common experience for a mother to be much more involved in her daughter’s wedding than her son’s. It is lovely that the whole family had such a wonderful day at your daughter’s wedding; that must be such a special memory and it says so much for you, and your daughter, that you made such an effort to include her husband’s mother in the plans. I’m sorry that you felt so hurt about your son’s wedding, but try to change your perspective. It is an important day in a parent’s life because it is one when your child, with luck, feels incredibly happy. Ideally you too should be happy because of this, however unconventionally they may wish to celebrate. I don’t think your son sounds selfish, as you clearly all get on well as a family. Your daughter sounds similar to you, but perhaps your son simply has different ideas. Perhaps he and his wife don’t like formal occasions and just wanted a simple wedding with a few close friends. Maybe your son didn’t include you in decisions because he knew you might not approve. You obviously love your children so try to let go of the hurt and anger. And if grandchildren come along, remind yourself that your son and daughter-in-law may have different ideas on how to raise them. Offer support, love and babysitting, but not too much advice. That way, inclusion and support will be welcomed and not seen as interfering.