DEAR ZELDA

My wife and I divorced two years ago when our youngest daughter was 16. The marriage had not been good for several years and we thought it would be better to split up. Our two elder children, who are in their 20s, live with their partners. They coped well with the divorce but my youngest daughter didn’t. I am living just around the corner from my ex-wife, so I see a lot of my daughter. She has never been confident and is now even less so. I am worried because her 19-year-old boyfriend is quite controlling and very critical – in fact, similar to my ex-wife, which was one of the reasons why we split up. Unfortunately people tend to repeat patterns from their childhood. If they have had a difficult or controlling parent they may subconsciously seek that out in a partner because it seems safe and familiar, even though in reality it is not healthy. As your daughter didn’t cope very well with the divorce, ask her gently how she feels about the situation now and suggest that she has some counselling as you notice that she seems to have lost a lot of confidence. Teenline (teenline.ie) could offer help and advice. Don’t be too critical of her boyfriend as that could make her get even more attached to him, but gently mention you are concerned that he tells her what to do rather too much and if she wants to talk about it, you are there for her. Give her lots of praise to try to build up her self-esteem and hopefully, as she is so young, her relationship will end in the not-too-distant future. I am sure you will then give her plenty of support.