DEAR ZELDA

Last year I discovered that my husband of 25 years had a seven-month affair. I am really struggling to get over it. He has said he is sorry many times and I believe him. However, he claimed they never slept together but I found a receipt for a cheap hotel so I know he is lying. When I confronted him, he denied it and became angry. I found texts and nude pictures of her on his phone – if sex wasn’t involved why have them? He said she meant nothing to him yet the affair was going on when my mother was dying and he should have been there for me. I am drinking heavily and it’s affecting my health and work. The discovery of an affair is such a betrayal and the thought of the man you love making love to someone else is devastating. It is particularly hard that it was at a time when you needed him the most, though sadly it sometimes happens that people have affairs when their partner is very stressed or preoccupied with something else because they have little time for them – but that is very selfish. An angry response when questioned is usually because someone feels guilty and is afraid of repercussions if they admit to the truth. Explain to him that if you are ever to understand or forgive him, it is important that you talk about it together. If she meant so little to him, why did he put your marriage at risk by having an affair? Are there areas in your relationship that need some attention? For example, did you no longer feel close to each other, were there lots of arguments or a mismatch of sexual desire? Or did this other woman make herself very available and he was tempted by the idea of sex with someone new? Whatever the reason he needs to be honest with you, show you how sorry he is and how much he wants to be with you. My book To Love, Honour and Betray: Why Affairs Happen and How to Survive Them may help you. Also please contact Alcoholics Anonymous (alcoholicsanonymous.ie, 01 842 0700) to help you cut down or stop drinking.