My son can’t control his temper

My problem is my eldest son, who is 23 and lives at home (we also have two children of 19 and 15). He achieved highly at school and university and has just started a really good financial job. I have always been supportive. Mostly we get on well but at least once a week there is a huge falling out. It starts as unkind banter towards me which degenerates into unpleasant verbal attacks including upsetting extreme language. Once he gets angry he does not seem to have any self-control. During one row I said that if he hates me so much he should leave home. My husband, who is very close to him, refuses to support me or ask him to stop, saying he won’t take sides. I feel betrayed by him and it makes me reluctant to sleep with him, but he refuses to go to counselling. We are all going on holiday soon but I feel this whole situation is corrosive to our marriage and family life and I am worried that my eldest son will pick fights and ruin it for the rest of us. This must be very hard for you, I’m sorry. I think two things are happening here. First, I wonder whether you are shouting back when your son gets angry. It can be incredibly hard not to, but when your children shout at you it is very important not to do the same or fight back, otherwise you descend to their level. So when he criticises you, don’t get drawn in – just smile and say, ‘Please don’t talk to me like that. I’ll speak to you when you are calmer,’ and leave the room. At times when you are getting on well, talk to your son, explain gently how upsetting you find his anger and ask him if he is unhappy about something. The other problem is with your husband. I suspect that one of the reasons why he might not get involved is because if you get very angry, he sees you as irrational and backs away. If you can stay calm he might be more supportive, but you really need to talk to him about how his lack of support is making you feel resentful and not wanting to have a sex life. Explain that you love him very much but that if he won’t come to counselling with you, you are worried about the future of your marriage. He needs to know how unhappy you are.