His OCD is wrecking our marriage

My husband and I have been married for 55 years and are comfortably well-off and retired. The past five years have been hell as he suffers from obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). Because of his fear of water and electricity, he has become controlling. I have now turned to drinking a bottle of wine every evening because of the loneliness. He goes into the garage every night for two to three hours and talks to himself. He is in darkness apart from a torch, but he thinks that the garage lights are still on. He turns the water off every night in case of a flood. He only allows me to have a shower and take the car out once a week. I have left him twice, but he comes after me, crying and saying that he can’t live without me. He lies to his doctor, telling her that he is improving. She knows that he is lying and tells me to defy him regarding the car and the showers. We have two married daughters, but I hide a lot from them.

Unfortunately it is challenging to help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves, but you shouldn’t have to live like this. First, I advise you to enlist the support of your daughters. Stop hiding things from them and spell out the severity of the situation. See if they can persuade your husband to seek more professional treatment for his OCD. Explain to him how much you all love him, but that you are finding it impossible to live with his volatile behaviour, which is harming the family environment. OCD can often be successfully treated, usually with a combination of antidepressants and a type of cognitive behavioural therapy called ERP (exposure and response prevention), which helps patients confront their obsessions and resist the urge to carry out compulsions. The doctor is right that you should defy your husband – don’t let him control you. You must live the way you choose and maintain your social life. If you overcome your loneliness, you may be able to cut back on drinking, which is essential for your own wellbeing. If your husband is willing to make these changes, you may find that your marriage is more tolerable and sustainable. Contact OCD Ireland (ocdireland.org) for more information about OCD. hard to provide well for the family. My wife has returned to work part time. Before our son was born, she was in contact with another man. It didn’t go as far as having sex, but they were in touch every day. When I discovered this, she ended the relationship. I still check up on her as it’s difficult to rebuild trust, but I genuinely don’t think that they are in touch. I still really fancy her, but since giving birth she has had no sex drive. Before that, it was a good part of our marriage. What should I do?

You need to talk to your wife and try to understand why she is avoiding sexual intimacy. She may be simply exhausted trying to juggle a young child and a career. However, the fact that she was in touch with another man before your son was born suggests that there may have been something missing in the marriage for her. I know that it’s a painful question, but has she lost all sexual desire or only in relation to you? For most women to feel sexually close to their partners, they need to feel emotionally connected, and I wonder if she feels neglected or resentful because you have such a demanding job. Or have you somehow both stopped really talking to each other about how you think and feel, your hopes, fears, needs and dreams? I recommend relationship and psychosexual counselling with Accord (accord.ie) to help you both resolve this situation.