We’re in love but we argue all the time

I have been with a lovely man for five years. We are both in our early 30s. We live together and work for the same company, but in different departments. Both our jobs are very demanding and stressful, so at the end of the day we tend to take it out on each other and find ourselves constantly arguing. Despite this, we love each other very much and don’t want to split up as when we are not arguing we love being together, get on well and have a great sex life. But we seem to have got ourselves into a negative spiral where we are almost waiting for the other one to snap so that we can lash out.

We tend to take out our frustrations on those closest to us but it can be so destructive. If you can sort this out now and change your style of arguing you are much more likely to last in the long term. At the moment, you sound like a couple of wild animals ready to pounce on each other. You are both afraid that the other one is going to attack – ie, say something that you don’t like

– so one of you jumps in first. Then the other person retaliates. The result is that you are both so tense that neither of you is really listening to the other. Gently explain this to your partner and agree that rather than leaping in for the kill you will each take a step back and really listen to what the other person has to say. Avoid accusing each other of being unreasonable, difficult or unfair and don’t rake up old sins from the past. If you can’t break the cycle yourselves, relationship counselling with Accord (accord.ie) could help and lead you to find more productive ways to deal with your high stress levels. would behave differently. Over three weeks we went out on a couple of dates and got on really well. We did kiss and touch, but I didn’t go further than that. Then he totally rejected me and stopped answering calls or texts. A few weeks later I saw him at another friend’s party and he told me that he expected more from me. He spent the rest of the evening talking and dancing with other girls. I fancy him like mad but now I fear that if I have sex with him he will dump me.

What did he mean exactly by saying he ‘expected more’ from you? It sounds as though he perhaps knows that you have slept with other men on a first date and was angry or disappointed that you didn’t do the same for him. I could go on about double standards and how unfair this is, but ultimately, what matters here is that he may have a pretty face but he sounds like a creep. Forget him. In future, don’t have sex simply because you feel a man expects it or that you need to please him. Relationships started slowly tend to be the ones that last.