My boyfriend won’t talk about our problems

I have been with my boyfriend for more than a year. He is almost 30 but at times I feel I am in a relationship with a child. He is amazing a lot of the time but his major downfalls are that he is stubborn and not a good listener. If I am upset about something that has happened between us, I am vocal about it and tell him I want to work out what is causing the problem. We have had several heated debates recently because he never says sorry unless I ask him to. He often makes a fuss and says the fact I have told him that he has hurt me upsets him. I know this is a defence mechanism on his part but I don’t know how much longer I can take it. I often feel unheard and that he doesn’t care about my feelings. I am not sure if I should stay with him as I feel I shouldn’t be constantly questioning my self-worth. I do love him and I can’t imagine being without him.

The way that couples argue is often a good indicator of whether their relationship will stand the test of time, and it seems as though this part of your relationship is very difficult to deal with. He sounds fragile and insecure. When he says that he is upset by being told that he has hurt you, this is just like a child, as you say. It shows that he doesn’t feel comfortable with handling emotions in any depth and prefers to retreat. Does he come from a family where emotions were never discussed, so it’s not easy for him? Or perhaps a family where everyone was volatile and overemotional? When you say you are vocal about your feelings if he has upset you, I wonder if your frustration with your boyfriend means your approach is a little critical or aggressive. However, it may be that you approach him gently but he still does not respond. I think you need to tell him that you really love him but that for any relationship to thrive, couples need to be able to really talk about their feelings and be emotionally close. Ask him to come to counselling with you at Accord (accord.ie). If he refuses and nothing changes, then I think that ultimately you will feel you can’t continue in this relationship.