My boyfriend won’t open up to me

Although my boyfriend and I work in different cities we still see each other most weekends. We are in our mid-20s and have been together since university. I love him very much – he is kind, intelligent, good-looking and fantastic in bed. However, it is very difficult to connect to him emotionally. His father died when he was 12 and he was sent to boarding school. He tells me he loves me but he can’t talk about his feelings, his previous relationships or his childhood – whereas I am very open about all these things. I want to be with him, but am I being unreasonable to need more?

No, you are not – an emotional connection is just as important as a sexual one. I am sure the loss of your boyfriend’s father at such a young age is still affecting him emotionally – remember when Prince Harry told how he had finally sought counselling after suppressing his feelings about the death of his mother, Princess Diana, for nearly 20 years? Do you think that your boyfriend’s father’s death was hardly talked about so he had to deal with it silently and

alone? Sometimes a grieving parent is so traumatised by the loss of their partner, they withdraw into themselves to such an extent that their children have no one to share their grief and isolation with. If so, your boyfriend may have shut down emotionally as a coping mechanism, so as an adult the emotional side of life possibly feels too difficult and painful to deal with. Explain all this to him and tell him how much you love him, but that not having an emotional connection with him is making you really unhappy. Encourage him to have counselling and visit the Irish Hospice Foundation’s bereavement service (bereaved.ie).

to maintain friendships. I often feel that people don’t enjoy being my friend, as if I don’t add much value to their lives. I think perhaps I’m not fun or loving enough. This means I give up on friendships or don’t want to get too close in case they fail. I love my boyfriend and I don’t want this to put a strain on our relationship because we spend all our time together.

Don’t feel selfish. It is perfectly normal that you would want friends outside of your relationship – and it would be healthier to do so. It sounds as though, in spite of having a very

loving family and boyfriend, you have low self-esteem and I would strongly recommend counselling (ask your GP for a referral) to help you work on building it up. When you say that you feel you don’t enrich people’s lives, I suspect that, actually, you don’t value yourself. If you can learn to, you will find that you are less afraid of letting people get close to you and they will be more drawn to you too. For further help, try reading Making Friends: a Guide to Getting Along with People by Andrew Matthews.