I don’t love my husband – he seems more like a brother to me
QI’ve been married for almost 20 years to a man I’m not in love with. But I have had feelings most of my adult life for a man I met a decade before. At the time, I was single and he was married with a family. I have never felt so strongly about anyone but I decided it was sensible to resist temptation and walk away. However, about five years after I married, this man (now single) reappeared and made it clear he was still interested – though he was always respectful, never pushy. I’ve seen him on and off over the years but, because I’m married, I have always kept him at a distance and never told him about my strong feelings for him. Sometimes I have even wondered if he is a serial womaniser, though he has always been kind to me – at times even going out of his way to help me. I grew up distrustful of others because I experienced emotional and physical abuse in my childhood. When I met my husband he felt more like a brother or friend and we have since grown further apart emotionally and physically. I think it is morals, rather than love, keeping me in my marriage – as well as the fear of being alone. My husband is a good man but I feel repulsed by the idea of sex with him and I feel that if I stay in my marriage, I will miss out on a meaningful relationship and never be happy.
QSeveral years ago my husband inherited more than €130,000. Our house has seen better days and needs a total renovation. He promised that he would use this money to get builders in to do the work. However, it’s been over a year and nothing has been done. I am usually very houseproud, but now I’m too embarrassed to ask friends round for dinner because of the state of our kitchen. How do I approach the subject with my husband? The money is just lying in the bank.
AIt’s a great idea to use the money to do up your house – and specifically your kitchen, as
it is often a very important room where families spend quite a lot of time. When your husband inherited the money and you suggested this to him he thought it was a good idea. The fact that the money is still in the bank shows that your husband is not interested in spending it on anything else. So pluck up your courage and calmly and nicely say to him that you would really love to use some of the money to do up the house. Stress what a difference it would make and remind him that when you first suggested it he had agreed. Then tell him that you could organise getting some builders round to give you an estimate of the cost and when they could do it. Don’t be shy about encouraging him to go ahead with the plans, even if he seems a little reluctant. Hopefully there would be some money left over for you to have a holiday together as well.
ASadly, it sounds as though you have spent two decades with a man who, though caring and kind, you have neither loved nor been physically attracted to. Remember that if you don’t want to make love with your husband, it must be very hard for him; but equally, if you do it just to please him, that is not right for you either.
Don’t leave your marriage just because you want to be with this other man; you should only consider it because the relationship is no longer right for you. The fact that you were physically and emotional abused as a child must be traumatic for you. It must also make it very difficult for you to have the courage and determination to do what you want and what is best for you. So ask yourself, ‘Do I want to spend the next 20 years in this marriage?’ If the answer is no, maybe you would be happier on your own. Hopefully you will meet someone you do love – or you may even get together with this other man if he loves you and can be faithful.
You should also consult a divorce solicitor about your marriage and, in the meantime, have some counselling with Accord (accord.ie) to give you the support you need to end your relationship and pursue the life you want.
CONTACT ZELDA Write to Zelda West-Meads at: YOU Magazine, PO Box 5332, Dublin 2, or email z.west-meads@youmagazine.ie. Zelda reads all letters but regrets that she cannot answer them all personally. DON’T FORGET: BEL MOONEY’S ADVICE COLUMN APPEARS EXCLUSIVELY IN FEMAIL EVERY THURSDAY – ONLY IN THE IRISH DAILY MAIL
WHY HASN’T HE DONE UP THE HOUSE AS PROMISED?
‘He is a good man but I feel repulsed by the idea of sex with him’