I feel hopeless after my daughter’s sudden death

QMy youngest daughter died suddenly of a heart attack last December. She was just 42. She died before I reached the hospital. Three months after her funeral, her partner of 13 years moved in with another woman. I don’t want anything to do with him or his family – none of them spoke to me at the funeral. He has never visited her grave, even on her birthday. I asked him if I could have my daughter’s charm bracelet, which my mother had bought for her when she was born, as a way to remember her but he said that as he had added four more charms, it was now his. I then found out that he had also taken €1,000 out of her bank account after her death. The gardaí said they could not do anything about it. He also gave her cat away but I don’t know where to. I went to the doctor as I was so depressed and was referred to a grief counsellor but it didn’t help. My friends have abandoned me. One was planning to have a coffee with me but then said she wouldn’t as I always talked about my daughter. I live with my brother but he doesn’t care – he has no children of his own. My other daughter and her son, who has severe autism, are under threat of losing

QMy sister is pestering me to visit my house to see my four-month-old son. She came once when he was two weeks old and I’d love for her to see him again, but the problem is she wants to bring her own son. He has just turned four and is badly behaved. She doesn’t discipline him at all and every time her partner tries to rein him in, my sister has a go at him for it. She is very sensitive and easily offended. I don’t know how to stop her coming without her getting upset with me – please help.

AI’m afraid that there really is nothing else for it but to tell her directly. Start by saying that you love her and would greatly appreciate her coming over to visit you and your baby, but that you find her son’s behaviour very difficult and that you wonder whether she should be a bit stricter. Explain that you know she is a wonderful mother and loves her son hugely, but that if he doesn’t learn to be better behaved, it will actually make life much more difficult for him in the long run. If he continues to be so naughty, she could find that when he goes to school he may not be invited to playdates or parties because other mothers will find him too difficult. Talking to her about this won’t be easy and she may be cross with you at first, but hopefully not for long. If you get on well with her partner, it might be worth also having a quiet word with him and suggesting that he stands up to her a bit more – gently but firmly – as it does sound as though she dominates that relationship a little. their home as social services have reduced her allowance and I have no money to give her. Life feels so hopeless.

I am sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter. That is devastating for you – and you also have the worry about your other daughter and your grandson. On top of that, your daughter’s former partner and his family have been utterly cruel. It is not surprising you are feeling so low. It is a great shame that your friends and brother have been so unsupportive – it doesn’t say much for them. It is perfectly normal to want to talk about your daughter and, in fact, you should. But you do need more support. Sometimes depression is too deep for counselling alone – you may need medication as well. Go back to your GP (or a different one) and ask about antidepressants. It could be that that counsellor wasn’t right for you, so perhaps ask for a new referral. Try visiting the Irish Hospice Association’s website (bereaved.ie) for support. Your other daughter could get advice for her son’s future care from the Irish Society for Autism (autism.ie). I hope that with the right support, life will gradually start to feel less bleak.

ACONTACT ZELDA Write to Zelda West-Meads at: YOU Magazine, PO Box 5332, Dublin 2, or email z.west-meads@youmagazine.ie. Zelda reads all letters but regrets that she cannot answer them all personally. DON’T FORGET: BEL MOONEY’S ADVICE COLUMN APPEARS EXCLUSIVELY IN FEMAIL EVERY THURSDAY – ONLY IN THE IRISH DAILY MAIL

MY SISTER’S SON IS OUT OF CONTROL