I don’t want to be my mother’s full-time carer

QMy 97-year-old mother has dementia and lives in sheltered accommodation. A year ago I gave up my job, home, friends and hobbies and moved 100 miles to live with her as she was becoming increasingly frail and could not be left alone. It was supposed to be a temporary arrangement until she could go into a care home: something which we had discussed at length before she got dementia. However, the State is adamant that it cannot offer funding as it maintains that my mother has not consented to go into a home and it cannot force her against her wishes. She also suffers from mobility problems and incontinence. I maintain that my mother has given her conditional consent but she never says this clearly enough when she gets assessed – but she is deaf and often very confused. The question always put to her is, ‘Do you want to go into a home or would you rather stay in your lovely apartment?’ I’m desperate to get my life back: I need to find work and my own home. My daily life is extremely restricted – even with two care visits each day, I can’t leave Mum for long. Recently my GP told me that I was right to pursue a care home for Mum but she later denied saying it when contacted by social services. I can see no way out of this situation. I feel trapped and my life is ebbing away.

QMy wife and I have been together for four years and have – I thought – a very good sex life. However, I travel quite a lot for work and when I arrived home a couple of hours early one time, I went up to the bedroom and found my wife masturbating. She hadn’t heard me come in so I watched her for a few minutes and was very turned on. I let her know that I was there and, though she was a little embarrassed at first, I asked if I could join in and we continued to make love – it was good for both of us. The problem is that now she wants to do this more often and she seems to prefer masturbation and using sex toys to penetrative sex. What do you advise?

AI suspect that you might not have told your wife that you are a little unhappy with the change in your sex life, so you need to broach the subject very gently. Say how much you love and desire her, but ask her directly if she prefers masturbation and sex toys to penetration. I expect she might find it easier to reach orgasm by including sex toys in your lovemaking, but you need to explain to her that you would prefer not to make love this way every time. A lot of women find it difficult to orgasm on penetration alone, but this can be overcome if you stimulate her clitoris at the same time. Foreplay is also crucial, so both of you experience high levels of sexual excitement. Communication about what you both want and enjoy is the key to a fulfilling sex life. Try reading by Clive Peters and by Emily Nagoski.

AThis is such a distressing situation. Of course there have to be stringent guidelines in place to protect the elderly and prevent people from being put into care homes against their will, but this is really not the case here and you shouldn’t have to be living this way. You have to be quite firm. The Alzheimer’s Society advises that you need to be very clear with social services that you are planning on moving out and moving away and so they cannot rely on you to be doing everything for your mother. They suggest that the question put to your mum should be: ‘Do you want to carry on living here on your own or in a care home with 24-hour support?’ It sounds harsh to have to do this but I assure you it is not. No loving mother would want their child’s life to be consumed by looking after them, and if your mother was of sound mind I am sure she would choose to go into a home. You should also go back to your GP (or, if possible, to a different and more sympathetic one) and explain that the stress of looking after your mother is having a dramatic impact on your mental health. Say that you are desperately lonely, isolated and depressed, and feel unable to continue. Ask her to make this clear to social services. Please also call the Alzheimer Society of Ireland on 1800 341 341 for further advice.

CONTACT ZELDA Write to Zelda West-Meads at: YOU Magazine, PO Box 5332, Dublin 2, or email z.west-meads@youmagazine.ie. Zelda reads all letters but regrets that she cannot answer them all personally. DON’T FORGET: BEL MOONEY’S ADVICE COLUMN APPEARS EXCLUSIVELY IN FEMAIL EVERY THURSDAY – ONLY IN THE IRISH DAILY MAIL

I WANT US TO HAVE A GOOD SEX LIFE

‘Our council refuses to give us funding for a care home’