My relationship with my mother is toxic
QMy wonderful father died suddenly when I was 13, and my family completely fell apart. My elder brother is autistic and my mother didn’t cope at all. She got married exactly a year later, which was the most traumatic experience of my life. Her new husband was abusive and I had only met him a few times before he came to live with us. My mother changed and didn’t seem to care about my feelings. I was told by her and the rest of my family that I was selfish and had to take care of her. I wasn’t allowed to talk about my feelings, or cry or reminisce about my dad. My mum’s new husband abused her and eventually the police came and took him away. I never saw him again. My mother became an alcoholic and ended up living with my grandparents, and I lived on my own from the age of 17. I later moved abroad to work in an orphanage, then I came home, bought a flat and met my partner. I am now 21 and still miss my dad so much. I have a toxic relationship with my mum because I desperately want her to apologise, but she refuses to admit she has ever done anything wrong. I spend every day distracting myself so that I don’t get upset, but on my own or with my boyfriend I go to pieces. He doesn’t understand. No one does. I cry every day.
QI work with a woman who is ruining my life one day at a time. She is twice my age and the most manipulative person I have ever met. My problem with her started when she took all the extra hours we both wanted. When we were alone, I brought up the issue but she didn’t care. She has gone on to befriend everyone at work and then turn many of them against me, made me feel isolated at our Christmas night out and blamed me for her mistakes. She bullies me and I fear that if I report her to a manager the backlash wouldn’t be worth it. I work for a company I adore and I don’t want to leave, but the anger this woman has caused me keeps me awake at night.
ABeing bullied at work is a thoroughly miserable experience. You have already tried talking to her calmly about this but she is obviously not going to listen. So, start taking notes of all the things she does that undermine you, affect your work or your reputation. Keep email correspondence, proof of her mistakes and talk to the personnel department. Also, for free information and advice on all aspects of workplace relations and employment law, contact the Workplace Relations Commission (WRC) via its helpline on 1890 80 80 90 or website at workplacerelations.ie. Hopefully things will improve, but if not, then you have to ask yourself if your job is really worth it. It would be sad and deeply unfair to leave a company you adore but if it’s having an impact on your mental health and affecting your sleep, sometimes the only option is to look for another job.
AThis must have been so painful for you. It is appalling that you were told you were being selfish and needed to look after your mum. You were only a child and, even though she had lost her husband, she should have been looking after you and your brother, not the other way round. I think you probably have depression so the first thing you should do is visit your GP. I also urge you to seek counselling, either through your GP or you could try Accord (accord.ie) or a local counselling service. Unfortunately, I think that your mother is probably never going to accept how badly she has treated you. I usually advise people to keep in contact with their families when possible. However, it might be best for you to distance yourself a little from yours, at least until you feel stronger. You need to protect yourself. Don’t see your mother out of guilt or duty. Meet her only if she promises to be nice to you. I am sorry that your boyfriend doesn’t understand. He perhaps feels overwhelmed by the depth of your despair, but if you get the professional help you need, it will be easier for him to support you too and you can work together to stop your grief taking over your whole life. You deserve some happiness after all the sadness you have lived through.
CONTACT ZELDA Write to Zelda West-Meads at: YOU Magazine, PO Box 5332, Dublin 2, or email z.west-meads@youmagazine.ie. Zelda reads all letters but regrets that she cannot answer them all personally. DON’T FORGET: BEL MOONEY’S ADVICE COLUMN APPEARS EXCLUSIVELY IN FEMAIL EVERY THURSDAY – ONLY IN THE IRISH DAILY MAIL
SHOULD I REPORT MY OFFICE BULLY?
‘I desperately want her to apologise… but she refuses’